Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

January 31, 2012

Why didn't the doctors help?????

This is a question my son repeatedly asks me.
Doctors can fix anything EXCEPT MY DADDY!!!
Approximately half a million people will die from cancer in 2012 in the United States.  My husband - the father of my babies is now part of that statistic.  I originally wrote half a billion and had a friend correct me on my faux paus "B".  It's all the same to me.  Might as well be a Gabillion!

How is it possible in the "New Millennium", that my husband is diagnosed with cancer on February 17, 2011 and is dead by January 21, 2012?  

Some of my sons questions:
  • "Why didn't you take Dad to a different doctor?  Like one in Kansas or something?" 
                Answer:  "We took Daddy to every doctor we could who knew anything about   
                                   Daddy's cancer.
  • "Why wasn't their medicine for Dad's cancer?"  This is a harder question to answer.
                Answer:  "They haven't developed a cure for many different cancers."
  • "Why haven't they."                                                                                                          
               Answer:  "I don't know why."
  • "Then you didn't do all you could to help Dad."  
               Answer: "I promise you we did."

I feel that as well.  Why wasn't their something that could be done?  I remember in August, 2011 the doctor told me alone that, "We are going to try to get Eric to his birthday."  "His birthday is in January," I said.  "What about my children's birthday and my birthday.  "We'll try Alyce.  That's the best we can do."

The system or something failed my family.  An otherwise perfectly healthy man died of cancer.  Up until the day before he died his blood pressure was 112/60 - no temperature - he could speak - and he could hug and kiss us.  And just like the doctor predicted - it would be like falling off a cliff.  My husband actually died of cancer.  Not pneumonia, not organ failure, but cancer.  It invaded his body and took over.  There was no "fight" against this cancer.  It was a slaughter.  My husband didn't stand a chance.  With that said, he took different medicines that were part of trials and both failed.  THE SYSTEM FAILED.

The most "sophisticated" healthcare system in the world.

"Are you going to get sick and die Mommy?"  "Of course I won't honey."  My son paused and then said, "But Daddy did, how do you know?"  His face got all crumpled up looking and then just sad and scared looking.  I realized I was making a promise I knew I couldn't keep.  What if I got some sickness that had "NO CURE?"  

I now need to live my life more carefully.  It's important that I stay alive.  I guess it's always important to not die early, but now it's really important.  My children would then be orphans.   That's a fairly weighty responsibility.  I'm not one who chases danger but sometimes accidents happen.  Well, my children can't afford a freak accident to happen to me.  

Dear Children,
  • I promise to take the best care of myself that I can.  
  • I promise to push my doctors to test me for random stuff that NEVER happens until it happens to the daddy of your children.
  • I promise to envelope you with the love of two people even though I am only one.
  • I promise to keep you on a path to a new normal - that will still seem like the old normal.  Full of love, laughter, and a feeling of security.
  • I promise we will talk about and to daddy all of the time.
  • I promise to love you with all that I have and then some.

Lastly, I promise to allow you to say "I hate fucking cancer" at will.  It's the least I can do after it killed your Daddy.


  1. Yeah....I'm rowing in the same boat. The system has failed,hasn't it? My wife's doctor spent two months passing her along from doctor to doctor...until she landed in the hospital with a 103 degree fever. Instead of looking at the most serious illnesses,they decided the cure was to remove her gall bladder after 3 days.
    Then we waited for another 6 weeks for her to heal up enough in order to get back on the merry=go-round. It wasn't until she developed yet another fever that we found a doctor who did a D&C and spotted her cancer.
    What normally was a cancer with a 87% long term survival rate has turned into a Twilight Zone of unknowns...of 6,000.00 PET scans that her insurance didn't want to pay and that we couldn't afford not to have...
    Here we are,out of our first cycle of chemo/radiation and who knows whats coming next.
    And yet the fucking teapublicans are raging against any kind of healthcare reform,of trying to lower medical costs on tests and medicines. People like Newt and Romney could give a rat's ass about us,Alyce. They don't CARE that Eric died or my wife could be next. They are only trying to protect their bank accounts. And the doctors,I have my serious doubts as well...for every ONE miracle worker there are 49 money hungry assholes who look to drive up their profits and buy those country club memberships...
    Its enough to break your heart,isn't it?
    But don't let it....please,don't let this break your spirit. You are not alone in raging against the machine.

  2. All great questions, Harrison is such a smart little boy. It is amazing that in the richest country in the world they still haven't figured out a cure for cancer. I agree with Michael that they don't care, politicians in general don't care, the all mighty dollar is all that matters, the bottom line, profits! It sucks, I personally know several people with cancer, some cancers I have never even heard of like blood cancer....who would have ever thought, blood cancer??? But I work with someone that has it, and another that has pancreatic cancer, and yet another that has skin cancer, and a close acquaintance that has cervical cancer....it's like there’s something in the air, one in 3 people that I talk to either has cancer or knows someone with cancer. It’s just crazy how so many people are affected by this horrible illness and how many families are torn apart by cancer, not only emotionally but also financially. Most people are not diagnosed until it’s too late to do anything about it, not because they were negligent with their own health but because the doctors they entrust with their health are “practicing medicine”, and then there are those that are diagnosed early enough and don’t have a cure so they are left to wait for a cure all the while depleting their savings and losing their homes or worst - die. I so wish that things could have been different for your family, that the trials had worked for Eric, so that you wouldn’t have to raise the kids by yourself and you didn’t have to answer questions like “Why didn't the doctors help?????”.


Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. Love - Alyce