Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

February 24, 2012

So many Decisions To Make And Nobody Else To Blame if.....

...it's the wrong decision.

The reason people live where they do is either:

     A. You were born there and just couldn't get out.
     B. You went to college in that town and never left.
     C. You work in that city, whether you were transferred or otherwise.

I live where I do because I moved to this god forsaken state in 1998.  Moved here with a boy - said boy and I broke up immediately.  I wound up in bumfuck nowhere with nobody and no money.  Instead of moving back home to NY, I stayed, and stayed, and stayed.  After two years of living here I met my husband.  He's from Illinois so he's not really sure what it's like to NOT live in a  Midwestern town.  We got married and his career was in CHICAGO.  I didn't have much of a career, so the Midwest it was.

Even Fabulous Lake Michigan looks like a dick.

I would never have chosen to live here forever.  Who would actually choose to live in a state that is gray for about six months out of the year.  I ain't no math major but that sounds like half to me.  No matter how I got here, this is where we live, where we placed our roots, bought our home, and my husband's job it.  We are now, in a sense, trapped in whatever place caught our eye.

None of the reasons people live someplace fit me.  I'm not A or B or C.  I am actually D:

     D.  You have no ties to a state and are free to move anywhere you would like.  I mean anywhere on the planet.

That's a big big deal.  I remember when I was going to be a morning disc jockey in New York.  I wasn't going to use my real last name for fear of "crazy" fans.  I would have loved to have a crazy fan as it turned.  For one month I tried to find the most perfect name.  Most sounded like strippers and occasionally it might sound like a hooker.  At the last minute of the time I was given, as they had to do some advertising for the new show and stuff, I decided on ADAMS.  ALYCE ADAMS.  That took such incredible thought and mulling over and making sure it was exact and perfect.  It worked.  Perfect?  No

How the hell do you know if it's the RIGHT decision?
Holy shit that was a tangent.  I don't re-read my blog and and as I'm going through traumatic stress disorder which I have been experiencing since about month 7 of my husbands 11 month illness,  have no idea what I was talking about.

I think I was talking about where is the best place to live when you have a choice?  Well that really does depend on whether you are alone, with a parter, have kids, etc.  

I have no partner anymore since my husband died, but I do have 3 children that are depending on me to make life decisions that are good and smart!

Now I sit in a state that I have nothing but ill feelings for and wonder, is this the place that will give my children the best opportunities in life?  The most happiness and the most peace?  When you are given the planet as a piece of real estate for you to choose, how do you go about choosing?

My guess is you start by eliminating.  I.e. nowhere in the Middle East, Africa, Antarctica (pretty sure that's a continent) and so continents are eliminated completely one by one...until I wind up in Europe, America, South America, etc..  I'm sure there are a bunch I've forgotten to eliminate.  Anybody who knows me knows geography is just bad for me.
Where will the bullseye wind up?
Kind of a lot of choices

It's kind of like how we delete or add people or things in or out of our lives.  These/them I definitely don't need.  That narrows it down.  Then there's this I kinda still like, but I'm conflicted, and so on.

Living in a bunch of brick and mortar is fairly irrelevant as long as the people in it are together.   I know that is so slimy and sappy but it's really true.  My home is so comfortable.  People would come in and it would literally suck them in.  It's relaxed, it's comfortable, it's peace.  Are the walls, the furniture, the flooring to thank for that feeling?  Of course not, it's the people that inhabit that home.  Wouldn't then moving not be a big fucking deal?

As long as the "people/family" stay together, in theory they could live anywhere and still find that peace and comfort.

I will start by buying a giant world map.  It will be hung in my bedroom.  When I've decided, "nope we ain't gonna live there", I will take a straight edge and carefully carve out that part of the planet.  Eventually, I will be left with one sliver of paper and many many holes.  That one piece left will be the place we lay our heads.  Being together is why we call it home.

A wrong decision can't be made when we stay together.

You would be proud Eric.  Slow and steady.

I love you,


February 23, 2012

Want it such a fascinating word.

Want is such an interesting word:


  [wont, wawnt]  Show IPA
verb (used with object)
to feel a need or a desire for; wish for: to want one's dinner;always wanting something new.''

Always wanting for something new.  My son is gifted in spirit.  Really, gifted in spirit.  Not math, reading, singing - but spirit.  He feels the emotions and empathizes like most adults should but don't do.  Bath to my son.

My son told me yesterday that it is impossible not to want.  Even if you want not to want you still WANT!!  Crazy theory, but true.

For years I wanted to hurt myself.  After having been abused before the age of ten - I spent the next 25 years doing things to purposely abuse myself.  That's an abusers dream.  Even after the physical abuse stop the emotional abuse continues and continues.
There's usually an order in which people that believe they are not worthy follow.  This was part of my journey to destruction.

  •  Poor Grades.
  • Missing Curfew.
  • Not coming home one night.
  • Getting drunk and driving real fast in your friends Camaro.
  • Dating boys that were mean.
  • Dating boys that did drugs.
  • Watch my friends graduate while I sit in the bleachers.  I think there was another kid in the class that graduated late.
  • Real work - real money.
  • Dating boys that dealt drugs.
  • Car accident leaving me with 500 stitches in my face.  
  • Ducking in cars in the Bronx while said boyfriend was running from the tenement building.
  • Drugs, dancing, drugs, othello, dying, drugs, drugs.
I'll end this list when I was 22 years old.  It's too exhausting.

Looking at the things I accomplished, I guess I was getting everything I wanted at that time.

Let's move to today.  Well, not today but the last decade.  It started with me getting not everything I "wanted" from my marriage but some things.  As time went on - my "wants" changed and I got most things.  We were living a nice (I'm not sure if we are middle or upper class) life.  On our 11th Christmas I got the purse I had been waiting for for ten of those eleven years.  I could have bought it for myself at will, but it was so special that I needed to wait until I was ready.  That sounds nuts.

When Eric and I met I thought he made A LOT more money than he did.  As a matter of fat, I didn't know his income until we were married.   I wasn't really impressed.  Hard work, the need to care for his family, determination, helped make him the success he was at his chosen profession.  Not changes companies for more than 20 years.  An amazing achievement that should be envied.

It actually came pretty easily for us.  I told him he could do anything he wanted and there was nothing he couldn't do.  Guess, what?  He believed me.  Amazing.  I did work 4 out of the ten years we were married.  Selling new construction in the late 90's (embarrassingly easy) and then selling new construction again in 2006 (embarrassingly harder).  I did very well.  I was able to contribute to my family financially.  With that, I wasn't able to eat dinner with my family, my husband took care of feeding the children.  Working weekends was mandatory.  A sacrifice we decided was important to make for the family.

We were actually four at the time but I'm putting the baby in here anyway.

Where am I going with this?  Well, as of recent I've been called a spoiled brat and other names.  I'm not hurt by it, but it got me thinking about the word "want".  Eric and I did want for certain things.  Example, Eric had wanted a hot tub since before we bought our home.  He was the only man I knew who loved to bathe.  It wasn't until he became critically ill that we decided he deserved to have one of his leisures.  Money well spent, even though he used it less than 20 times before his cancer prevented him from using it.  Seems piggish, maybe.

We "wanted" not for a lot.  It's not really because we had it, we just decided we didn't need it enough.  The boat was something Eric didn't get.  It just didn't make sense no matter how many times we discussed it.  We did want and did get when we could, great food.

I called every month or so to try to get my cable and cell phone amount lowered.  I paid my utilities about 5 months in advance just in case we needed that money for an emergency.  We would be o.k. for at least 5 months if anything were to happen.  P.S. It has happened.

What am I trying to say?  I deserve the "things" I've wanted and have received.  With all of the things I received that I "wanted" and received I still "want" more.  So my son was right, we never stop "wanting".

Now I "want" everyone to know that I'm going to do everything I can do to live more and "want" for less.

I "Want" to thank my husband, and I guess, myself for coming from nothin' to somethin'.  I do believe that Eric wouldn't have gotten to where he is without me, and I wouldn't have become the person I am today.  A person to be proud of.

I love and miss you Eric.  As I promised I will raise our children with happiness, honesty and integrity.  the three wishes you wanted for them.

Love you boss,


February 21, 2012

February 21, 2012 ONE MONTH

I went from counting days to weeks to months

I've been cleaning out Eric's office for the past week.  I don't think I had been in there alone ever.  There were probably 5 different occasions in the last 5 years that I have even been in his office.  It's in the basement of our home.  In there is a keg orator, flat screen, computers...fabulous man cave.  He built it himself.  He wanted to finish it with logs from a cabin and giant animal heads (after they're dead, of course).

Tons and tons of Wacky Packages.  If I had to guess, which I'm very bad at, I would say there are 5,000 or more.  My son thinks I'm wrong but they fill 4 green tubs.  Ahhh, whatever, there's a lot.  Hundreds of music cd's and VHS tapes.  I'm a little afraid to watch the tapes however.

Then I found what I was looking for.  Photo albums.  The prize.  I had never seen any pictures from Eric's childhood.  And possibly see the other girls that won his heart.  Sadly there were only a couple of girls, and I mean a couple.  Nothing like me at all.  They looked sweet, and Midwestern, and not like me at all.  

He was a cute cute cute baby.  Not that cute from 7-14ish.  But then 18 came and oh my god what a fucking hottie.  I couldn't believe how lucky I was.  I hit the hot jackpot.  By the time we had met he had a rounded belly, a "not" full head of hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a look like, "I'm a little bored."

What if you knew while you were playing football in college that you'd only have 30 years left to live.  That handsome 18 y.o. man'ish only had 30 more years to find a job, find a girl, get married, have children, have grandchildren, retire, die sometime many years later.  What if Eric knew that he would only get through half of his life list.  (That isn't assuming he would have lived until 96, but 90 isn't unreasonable these days.

Tears rolled down my face knowing that this beautiful 3 y.o. boy has so many less years than he was supposed to.  Looking at the pictures of him in his early years, I was seeing a child.  Not the man I married but a boy that didn't know the fate that awaited him.  Maybe he would have done his life differently.  Maybe.

I hardly slept last night.  I kept replaying the last two breaths that he took.  Now wondering if he knew he was about to die.  Was he scared, sad, struggling?  I want to ask him.  Are you sure you are o.k..  I do ask sometimes, but I keep getting no answer. 

When I woke up, which means I kind of slept I guess, my hands were shaking and I felt the breath leave my body.  It was as if I wanted to experience the same feeling of taking in your last breath.  I wanted to know if it was o.k. or just horrible.  

I miss you Eric.  Our children are so brave and loving and oh so sad.  Your son sleeps with my mom or me every night.  Whoever he's with he demands that we hold him.  We always do.  Our daughter sleeps with one or the other.  We each just get one child each night.  Anyway, Adelaide just holds my hand to make sure I'm here with her.  She asked me today, "What happens if something happens to you."  Very normal question from a child whose father or mother has just died.  I told her I am not sick and don't have cancer.  I do tell her I'm here for her always.  Don't know how I can say that I'll be here forever , this considering their father never thought he'd leave them after only knowing them for 9 years.  

At the end of the day, my husband has been dead one month.  My neighbor has helped me take out my 1000 lb. garbage.  His beautiful wife brings me Starbucks whens desperate.  My dad changed a lightbulb for me yesterday.  Yes it's true, I don't know how to change a bulb.   It's scary when you've only been the CFO and Disciplinarian of the house and have had nothing to do with the home we live in.  

Here we are one month later.  It gets harder every single day.  Everyday I realize that I have to do all of this by myself.  Sure I have my parents to help and give advice.  Since meeting and marrying you, it has been you and me making all of the decisions that concern our home and family (well mostly me and some of you).  Although it did depend on the subject, and then came the "I defer to you."

I miss you so very very much.  I cried today like you died today.  I miss you more today than yesterday.  It's not getting easier.  There was a thought right after you died that I was now free.  No more sickness, no more care taking, no more fighting over in-laws, just no more.  It was more quiet.  Well, now it's so quiet it's deafening.

Think of me often.  Somehow, show me you're here and you'll help me make the right decisions for us.  Don't let me just figure this all out by myself.  I've never had to do this before and what if I don't have the skill set.  There's no manual to follow.  You're favorite pass time was reading directions.  My favorite pass time was seeing the finished product.

Enough babbling today.  I will keep the paper that represents the 21st of each month from my rip off calendar.

I love you my darling husband.  Be well.

A poem I found for Us.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

February 19, 2012

Are you behind me?

In two days it will be ONE month since my husband died.   I'm pretty sure it would bot be celebration like, "awwww my baby is one month old today", or "honey it's been one month since we married."  One and one I could go but I won't bore you as I'd guess you understand.

I still turn around and while turning I'll start to talk and realize that nobody is there.  For 11 years I turned around and Eric was right near me and I could say something thing like, "Why are people such douchebags?" or "God, he's so dumb.  Do you think everyone else knows he's dumb?"  The issue is that there is nobody there in real life.  In two days it will be one month since I lost the right to ask my husband his opinion.

The last month of his life was so very hard on us as a couple.  I slept on his hospital bed with him (hospice brought  it.  If we moved our bed together and I put a few pillow where the bed arm went down, it felt normal.  Almost like Eric wasn't sick.  He'd hold me around and rubbed my head.  That was my second most favorite after the foot rub.  Sometimes a foot rub is just too much.  The second place prize wasn't difficult to accept either.

Then people, family and friends, started to come into our home.  More and more people.  The front was always open and people.  And they kept coming.  It kinda seemed like fun times.  We'd gather around Eric as he was paralyzed for the last month of his life from the wait down.  We all gathered around Eric in either his wheelchair at first, and then the closer to his end came it was Eric's bed and a couch near by.    Private intimate conversations were had.  Not by me, but by people that my husband really didn't know long or from what he'd say. "Somethin' don't seam right about that one".  "Whattaya mean", I'd ask.  "Not sure.  Give me some time to figure it out. And figure it out he did.  Don't trust this one, tolerate this one, stay away from that one, harmless, watch your money....and blah blah blah...Anyone my husband met he sized you up quickly and you got in or you were out.

This is where I deferred to Eric.  He said, "This chick is nuts and I'd keep my distance."  A beautiful gift he had.  I think being medicated and so sick he lost some of his gift.  I might want to believe everyone was genuine if I were dying in a month or two.   Most were kept within the fold because of Eric.  We need to be involved for the kids sake.  O.K. fine.  As always the woman makes the friends and the men more or less follow.

My husband thought about the cause and effect as a lifestyle   It wasn't a matter of throwing out it was the fact that one man/kids trash is another tresaure.  Long analogy.  We would do anything for our children.   We did.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  Hold on a second, that's me.  I was thrown a curve ball.  After 11 months of fighting the unbeatable and undefeated Cancer, my husband's deal served as the ball.  I must say, the first week to ten day was a kinda easy.  It was the first time in almost a year, I wasn't thinking about how long we have together, what can I do to make my children's journey not totally fucking heart breaking.  How do I help a man who in a likelihood is going to die.

My husband was "a cancer survivor."  From June until February he was a dead man walking.  I knew this information since August, but didn't tell.  I didn't want Eric to count backward until he died.  Day 240, Day 239.  That's just too much for someone to deal with.  That is too much for everyone else except me.   I need to be ten steps ahead of death so I can help my family cope when the time comes.  In August 2011 I was told in the hallway at UIC that "we're going to try to get him to his birthday."  "His birthday I asked.  What about the twins birthday in March?  And my birthday in June."  I was told this was just a best guess, but I better get our affairs in order.  We did just that, mostly.

Guiding my family through this hell really went into high gear in August.  Looking as normal as possible, acting as normal as I could, I appeared A.O.K.  On the inside there was no air.  I could barely take a shallow before and you can forget a deep breath.  My meds were perfected (thank God) and I could somewhat function.

October the cancer spread yet a'fucking'gain.  Shit, I thought.  It's over.  I called every specialist in this nation to see what to do next?  With the cancer reaching his spine and causing so much trouble - any other treatment was impossible.   Late October I knew there was no more help to be had.  I told no-one.  Who else really needed to know.  Eric would get so angry with me for not being more hopeful.  Occasionally I would talk about hope, knowing there was no hope.

Continuing to take his oral chemo was important.  It wasn't helpful to him physically, but it was emotionally.  It wasn't harmful and gave him the hope he needed to continue to crawl to his birthday.

Around November is when people started piling into our home in droves.  Bringing meals, doing chores, helping with our children.  Just beautiful.  Eric's health started declining quickly.  Pain management was a little more challenging.  He aged about 10 years by then.  But he still loved our children as if he were 20.

I cared for him from September through two weeks before his death as his sole caretaker.  Not his family, not his friends, but me.  I cared for him in December when he was a paraplegic.  We talked about our dreams for our children.  His knowledge of his awareness that his end was near.  This is when I started to be hopeful.  Maybe because Eric's illness is so rare it'll just stop and reverse itself.  Praying is not what I do, but Eric and I would pray together out loud.  Not a jesus thing, but a "please let our family be o.k., regardless."

During the last month or so before my husband's death was so extraordinarily difficult emotionally.  I sat and waited with him for the unknown.  His birthday came on January 17.  HA, I was right - this is so rare we don't know what is going to happen.  Four days later Eric was dead.

So, I ask again, how long will it be before I stop turning around to ask my former(?) husband, what it is he thinks I should do.  Or, do I ever need to stop asking him, the voice of reason.  "Well, I'm just saying, what would you do?"

He'd tell me ahhhhh, who needs those bitches.  You'll find your next project.  You'll become completely involved in it, and start again as you always do.  (If you remember, change is not my husband's forte.)   I'd ask, "Well what do you think?  Do you think it's a good idea."  He'd remark, "Does it really matter, you'll do what you're gonna do any."  He knew me well.

Well, darling a new day is starting.  I'm gonna take the world by the balls.  All the people who thought I was "seeking fame", were right.  I want more people to listen, to watch, to laugh, to cry.  I've got something to say, and whether you like it or not it's only me.  Nothing more and certainly not a bit less.


Almost one month after your death, my dear Eric, I will still look to you for your opinion.  As always I might not take it.  But, I haven't bought hard wood floors yet either.

With love,


February 18, 2012

Not sure when I wrote this....

...but I know it wasn't today.  That doesn't help as I'm still not sure when I wrote this note.  Was it before or after Eric died?  

The picture is right below is of my kids and me on Mother's day 2011 - (3 months after Stage IV Kidney Cancer - aka death sentence).  

I hope Eric saw this letter I wrote to him.  This is really bothering me not to know if he saw this.  I'm not sure if I even put this on my blog.  I'm not sure of most things.  I am sure that I loved you Eric.  At the end of the day it was always "us" (well when we weren't a YOU)!

People that came into our lives at the end of yours believe in their hearts that they knew you better than I.  It kind of makes me giggle thinking that they believed that.  

That leads me to another thing.  The way people throw around the word "Love".  Oh, love you.  I love you.  Love ya.  I so love you.  love love love love lover.  Puhlease.  I've never had more I love you's from women in my entire life.  Where I'm from you say I love you's for your family and your husband, and occasionally a LONG time friend who has been there threw the OMG NO, OMG YES, OMG YOU DID NOT, OMG I LOVE YOU FOR FLYING IN TO BE WITH ME WHEN MY HUSBAND LEFT ME FOR GOOD.  

Oh wait, I just remembered one more thing; actually two.  They are the over used and meaningless:  xoxo and <3 (heart).  I can't tell you how many times I have cyber hugged, kissed and gave people my whole heart.  That is not normal behavior.  

Love is when a person without asking says - "all right c'mon I'm tired get your foot over here."  The lotion comes out and my feet were rubbed every night.  I mean every night.  I felt safest when my husband was holding onto my leg that was laid over him.  (We did this every night.)  In 2008 Eric promised that no matter what - "I will keep you safe and take care of you always."  That redefined who we were as people who "loved each other".  Like in real life love.

Integrity.  The one word that EVERYONE who ever met you would agree that the word integrity sums up who you are.  Everybody takes pens and paperclips from their office for home use.  I shouldn't say everyone as Eric never did.  Never took anything that wasn't his - worked hard and always believed what he was doing was the right thing.  Unfortunately in todays world doing the right thing could be wrong for you.  That didn't matter to Eric he did it anyway.

I love you, mwah mwah.  I can't remember do you have a brother or a sister.  Best friends have become like your worst nightmare.  "I know we've only met 10 weeks ago, but I know this is it.  I love you and you love me, let's elope."  Kind of the way friendships are working today.  We meet, have things in common like kids, and we both like me (LOL) and our husband's kinda liked each other.  So there ya have it.  BFF'S.  That's Best Friends Forever.  Adults really say that out loud.  We've been BFF's for about four years now.  I think, (if you're gonna sound like we're married then buy me a damn ring bitch.)

A little tangent.  Without re-reading what I wrote, (which I never do before I publish these rantings.), I have forgotten what I was talking bout.

Let's change gears now.  My husband likes change as much as young boys like to go to overnight church outings.  The thought of being "close" with our friends wasn't really an option.  He always analyzed them.  Told me why they were as lazy as they were - or as broke as they were - or as lonely, etc. etc.  It pains me to say, that you were right about everyone you told me about.  If you weren't dead I know I would here about how you nailed it at least weekly for the rest of our lives. It's amazing, a gift really  We should have figured out a way to sell your ability to size people up in about 90 seconds.  Uncanny.  

I remember first moving to this god forsaken area.  It was just us.  Didn't have many or need many.  We could talk for hours and hours.  Politics (always heated and always blamed everything on Clinton.)  News.  OMG, Eric new every country and every area within that country.  Especially the Middle East.  Smarter than most that I know.  Certainly smarter and more informed than any man I've met up here.  Well, I'm referring to the married ones I know.

Not as much money as I thought when I finally found out what your salary was AND we were already married.  Damnit!  After ten years of working hard you had success more than we had planned for.  Eric was a hard worker.  He HAD to provide for his family and always did.  

Other than me working for about four years out of our 10 ten marriage (mind you I made big money but that's not important) Eric always made it home for dinner by 6:00pm.  

O.K. this is turning into a non-authorized biography.  What I'm really saying is that we were always alone, didn't need anybody else.  Then we got some friends.  Turned out they weren't friends at all.  And all of the, "I love you's" were indeed overused.  Not by me as much.  Always makes me uncomfortable to say "I love you" to people I barely know, and definitely don't love.  But, I did it.  It was pressure for sure.  But I succumbed and said "I love you" back or do the xoxo thing so often.  If all the hugs and kisses were real, I really believe it would be a porn.

I really could count on you, Eric.  We didn't always get along, and sometimes it was hard...but when it wasn't it was nice.  Not having to talk but having plenty to talk about.   I didn't want to divorce you like one of our friends.  Her situation just sucks - she's stuck.  Money ya know.

Then there are our other friends who, like the rest of America, are one small step from losing everything.  You would never let that happen to us.  Not ever.   I learned this from you, and it will now never happen to me.  I almost bought the new flooring we discussed.  But then I reconsidered whether we really needed it.  Thinking the answer is probably no, I'm "thinking" about it and that's what's important.

Anyway, my darling....oh and our relationship was questioned today.   I questioned it sometimes too, but I always answered overwhelmingly we are worth it.

So, here's the letter that I'm not sure you've gotten but I bet, if things are true, you'll be able to read it with everyone else.

This is the  “us” you helped create.  Without you, this picture could not have been.
Thinking back over the last decade there have been many ebbs and flows - stops and starts - fights and makeups.  What has been consistent is our dedication to our family.
Since we met back in June of 2000, I knew we’d always be together.  Sure there were times when I doubted that.  When I wondered whether it was “right”.  Whether our differences were too great or whether we balanced each other.
US as Dad took the picture.
In 2008 we decided that our differences were petty compared to the family we had created.  And so anew began.  Another darling child was added to our family of four.  I am so grateful for the gift that you gave me in Lorelei.
I am grateful that you have managed to make Harrison a man at the age of 9.  He has the confidence of a person four times his age, and that is your doing.
I am grateful that you are the Daddy our daughter has danced with.  The daddy that can rub her tears away with the tender stroke of your hard.  I believe that Adelaide will want to love a man as much as she loves her Daddy.
One of my favorite phrases is, “I’ll defer to you.”  It’s amazing because the phrase is used by the both of us.  To me it means I respect your knowledge of this and whatever you decide I trust you.  That’s hard to find.
You are the person who really does like to sit out back and just be.  That’s me.  Never watches sports such a wonderful trait in a man.  Loves to shop
You are the guy that asks for more bread to dip into the red sauce the mussels came in.  “Hey, I’m not done with that.”  My favorite saying that we share.  Our love of food...well...yum.  Not everybody has that love of the taste like we do.  Bottles of wine later at Trattoria.  Our restaurant of choice - or Naninwa ... delicious sushi delicious sake, just plain deliciousness.
How did our nicknames for each become “boss”?  And what the hell does that really mean, boss?  Neither one of had the upper upper hand.  I guess it was you unless it was something I really wanted, and then it was me.  The kids also thought it was me.  So, I guess I’ll take the title.
Our nicknames might have been easier to mesh than our talking styles. You, loud and abrasive and me quiet and meek.  Hey, that sounds wrong.  The funny thing about it was at the end it was harder to get past the style issue than the issue itself.  Kind of a waste of time I think.  It all doesn’t matter until time matter.  And now that time matters, that was dumb.
Was it perfect no, but it sure produced beautiful and magical memories.  This last year has been full of both planned and unplanned memories.  I remember and cherish all of those times.
Regardless of what different faiths would like you to believe-one thing is universal.  The people you’ve known and love are permanently in your heart.  Whether you can reach them through a sign or they can see you from above....they are permanently a memory away.  Our gorgeous son would say, he had a filing cabinet of memories in his head and he would take them out and fill his heart with them.
I am going on the advice that Harrison hasn’t given to me yet, but I know he will.  I have a big file of our memories.  Our meeting, our dating, proposal, wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy, home buying, hard times, sweet babies, more money, bigger home, another baby, beautiful and smart tween’s, dogs that you love dearly, and me.
What a beautiful life you have led....and til your last breath you continued to live.
I love you my darling husband.
You will be with me in my heart in a big file cabinet marked “love”.  I will not put a complicated combination on the lock as I will be using it often and want to be able to get to it at will.  
With all of my love and gratefulness,