|...I see myself in this picture but I don't remember it.|
The difference between Thanksgiving of 2011 and Thanksgiving of 2012 is so vast I’m not sure where to begin.
Last year was spent with family. My divorced parents - my brother, his wife, and children - my husband and our three children - all together. One of the last times we would gather like this. What a horrible shame. Almost forgot that we did gather at Eric’s funeral. Of course we did.
We took “planned” pictures during our feast. “On the count of three everybody appear to be elated”. Gathering around “daddy, husband, uncle, brother-in-law” we posed. Our hearts were breaking, through our smiles.
My husbands body was becoming more weak, but his mind and spirit were strong.
I don’t remember last year’s festivities. I know I was physically there because I see myself in pictures, however, there is not one flashback of that time. Come to think of it I have very little memory of any time after a meeting I had a doctor in August. “We’ll try to get him to his birthday,” I was told. “His birthday???????? That’s in January!!!!!!” The next vivid memory is of Eric’s last breath 4 days after his birthday, on January 21, 2012.
(As an aside - my mother is in the kitchen of my rented home frying onions. I am in a paralyzed position on my couch, waiting to feel thankful.) A new and fabulous friend is coming this morning to help cook.
I’m trying so hard to remember anything of Thanksgiving 2011. It’s so crazy, that I can’t remember “a thing”. While in the moment you swear you will never ever forget “a thing”. You promise yourself that this moment in time will be embedded in my memory forever. That is if forever, is only 24 hours long.
Within 2 weeks of Thanksgiving my husband was paralyzed. I wish we had danced. I wish we had danced. I wish we had danced. HOLD ON A SECOND!!! Maybe we did dance and I just don’t remember. New memory....we did dance. We slow danced. We didn’t talk. We just danced. I didn’t cry in anticipation of his death. I just let the moment just be.
O.K....so I know this is all just a bunch of crap, but it could’ve happened.
This year my brother and his family will not be here. Not sure where they’ll be, but they’re not here.
The cast that will be at my home for Thanks (names are being withheld to protect the innocent)
Bruce Willis: 25 year friend that is a life-line (and “her” husband)
Elvis: 6 month friend that I’ve known for years
Vidal: 6 month friend who is a giving tree
Bela Karolyi: 3 month friend that slid in as if always there
Unknown Character: Single mom and 3 children. No place to go - sure come here.
Unknown Character: A friend of Bruce Willis that I “need” to know
My divorced parents: speaks for itself
Child 1: Brilliant
Child 2: Brilliant
Child 3: Brilliant
I’m sure there will be additional people coming to my new home. Our old home was the same. Everyone was welcome, and everyone came. As swiftly, everyone left. I mean everyone.
Am I less fortunate this year than last? I’m different fortunate I guess. It totally sucks that my children are spending Thanksgiving without their father. As the most horrible saying goes, it is what it is. This fact I cannot change. Eric will never spend another Thanksgiving with us again. OK. Next.
My family is healthy this year. Sure, we’ve all got something or other...BUT nobody is dying. Well, we are all dying...but you know what I mean. I am grateful.
My home will be full of people who are choosing to be with us. Whether friends or relatives, there will be people, and there will be love. I am grateful.
My parents will be here together’ish, I am grateful.
We have food, clothes, shelter, blah blah blah. But there are those that don’t. I am grateful
In summation, I wanna be done in the why me...I wanna be in the why not me. I wanna be in the “I remember” and it was nice.
I need to remember....
THE RIGHT NOW IS FINE!!