Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

January 8, 2012

The Longest Short Journey of My Life

I was leaving the hospital on a Saturday night after visiting with my husband.  He's on the palliative care floor with OLD OLD OLD people.

The amount of people that are Pitshetsh (Yiddish for constant complaining) is amazing.  With that said, they have earned the right to complain.  They're old, they're sick, they're dying, and they're pissed about it.

My husband does not fit in with this group of alt cackas <sp. yiddish for old people>  These people look like it's their time to go.  My husband does not.  To this day he looks healthy.  My understanding is he will continue to look like this until his end.

The picture below is of the sad and endless hallway I got to walk down last night after kissing my husband goodnight and goodbye.   There was nobody else there.  Nobody.  Just me with my thoughts of walking alone.  By myself.  Nobody's hand to hold.  Nobody to help keep me and my kids safe.  Just me and the hallway.

Looks very similar to the hallway in the movie The Shining.  And felt the same.

  • Lorelei was only 7 months old when her daddy went into the hospital cause his cough wouldn't go away.  
  • Lorelei was only 7 months old when we found out her daddy had a very rare cancer.  
  • Lorelei was only 7 months old when we found out the prognosis for this disease is poor.
  • Lorelei was only 7 months old when without knowing her life soon would go in a direction none of us had ever suspected.

Our baby daughter turned 18 months today.
How did time fly by so quickly.  We always tell ourselves to savor everyday because time flies by, but we don't.  Eleven months has past since our daughter was 7 months old and her dad was first diagnosed with Kidney Cancer.  In those months our daughter has learned to make two word sentences, walk, say Mommy and Daddy, and gives beautiful hugs (including the back pat) and kisses that melt the most stoic person.  How did time slip by?  

  • How are we at the place where my husband is in the hospital and the doctors are trying to tweak his meds to keep his pain under control?  
  • How are we here so quickly where my husband can no longer take a walk with the dog he loves so much, as his legs are no longer working?  
  • How are we here so quickly at the place where my kids need to visit their Dad in our bedroom.
  • Time flies when you're having fun is not true - it also flies when someone has an incurable disease that will one day take them away from you.
  • How the fuck did we get here so quickly?
I am aware that you are never prepared for this to happen.  But if we could possibly put it off for another 20 years or so when my darling husband is 67 it would still suck but would be better.  So all I am asking for is another couple of decades.  Shouldn't be such a big deal to get right?

I received an email today from a woman who lost her husband 5 years ago when her children where 13 and 15.  The email told me that I will never have a partner who cares about my children as much as my husband and I do.  How true that is.  They will never have their daddy to look over to and find his grin that is full of pride.  This is all true... I know for sure that I have enough love for my children that just because they can't see my husband's grin doesn't mean they won't know it and feel it through me.

In February we thought the prognosis was perhaps 10 years.  Then it was 5 years.  Then it was 2.  Then we kinda stopped asking.

I walked a long lonely hallway yesterday crying out loud; thinking that this will be my walk forever.  Then I got home.  Our baby ran to me screaming, "Mommy Mommy" and kissed my lips...my bigs kids ran over, "Hi Mom and both also kissed me.  It was at that time I realized I wasn't walking the hallway alone - I was just walking down the hallway by myself at that moment.

Seize your moments together.  Cause time flies whether it's fun or sucks ass.


  1. I had that same kind of surreal experience when my father was in the hospital having open heart surgery - that the mortality rate was 25%. The only time in my life I said goodbye to someone (as they wheeled him into surgery) that there was a greater % chance than I cared to acknowledge that I would not see him alive again.

    My sister drove around the hospital (Clearwater FL... plenty of northern latitude Jews down there) and the lights as the intersections changed in their pre programed time - oblivious to the fact that my dad might not come back out alive. I got really upset. And then I got a hold of my self. It is the world and life. And we are just the sands in the hour glass... so do not fritter it away.

    He survived that surgery - lived two years to the week of that day and in the same hospital he latter passed.... the the traffic lights on the street did keep perfect time.

    Hugs again to you and your family - Craig

  2. Hi Alyce my heart goes out to you and your family. For some reason the good people get taken away from us I can truly say Eric is one of the good guys and I'm sorry you are going through the pain of seeing your husband slip away. I did not know how sick he was it wasn't that long ago I saw him walking his daughter in the carriage. I really wished I could have talked to him he was a wonderful person and friend to me and great host to me and family.

    If there is anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask from one New Yorker to another I got your back.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Take Care,


Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. Love - Alyce