Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

January 15, 2012

Where are we going

I haven't written for a few days because, quite frankly, I hate writing about stuff that is just crappy all the time.  But the truth is this is crappy situation.  I am sure that those of you who know me know that crappy would not be the word of choice.  A much stronger word would be needed but I really can't think of one right this second.  Give me a chance and I'm sure I'll come through.  So, here we go.
This is what my life feels like
Where are we going to go when my darling husband passes.  It feels like we're going to go to nowhere.  I know that nowhere doesn't exist, but in my mind, right now, it exists and we've got a one way ticket.  This is the road that it feels like we're traveling on.  If you notice you see nothing at the end.   Everyone has a future that is unknown.  We did not know on February 15th when my husband entered the hospital that reaching his birthday on January 17th would be in question.

The family dynamic in 2012 has changed from 1950 and there are many single parent homes due to divorce.  I understand there are many widows.  These women were married to men who lived a full life, I don't count those gals.   Googling how many widows are there that are 45 with three young children.  Didn't google easily so I left it alone.  I mean, does it matter?  I wanted to know exactly how many people are suffering exactly as I am.  Misery loves company perhaps?  

Everyone tells me, my children will be "just fine".   Then we talk and site all of the examples of children who have excelled in spite of the shitty cards they were dealt.   It will soon be my responsibility, alone, to help them through this journey of life.  I believe that they will be o.k. in the long run...it's the short run that is breaking my heart.  I literally mean it's breaking.  It physically hurts.

To watch this process from a wife's perspective is so much different than from a mother's perspective.  Both suck but are so different.  With children you weep for your children differently than for your yourself or even your  husband.  Occasionally, like yesterday I wept for myself.  I cried and cried until I had no tears.  My friends and my Dad were here to hold my hands and rub my head.   It helped immensely.  But like any other chronic illness,  grief doesn't go away with a rub of ones head.  It takes time to heal....I understand a long long time.  I wish I had a time/date certain of when I will feel o.k. again.   Whether I cry or not I feel like I've just sobbed for hours and hours.

In March of 2008 my husband was on a chair sitting next to me and promised he would always be there for my kids and me.  That's not going to happen.  I understand that there are those that believe that people who pass watch over us and help guide us through.  

Things are changing now by the moment.  The nurse is here...there are issues....

Think of my children when you have a moment.


  1. There is no pain like the pain of losing someone you truly love. Your heart aches... interest in the future dissipates... and life doesn't seem to matter much. Knowing that your children will never again experience the sound of their father’s laughter... the beauty of his smile... the warmth of his embrace. Life will never be the same... Speechless doesn't even cover how I feel right now, sadness, helplessness and a terrible feeling of not being able to say or do anything to help you through this “crappy” situation, sort of begin to describe it…. and all I can offer at this moment is a perspective that only comes with time. I know that the road ahead will bring you many ups and downs but know that you’re not alone, your friends and family will always be there for you. Be sure to be kind and gentle with yourself, it may be difficult to believe right now, however, time will eventually make way for healing. It’s not to be rushed. It’s not to be ignored, it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up, it simply means you move on and treasure the memories beyond the heartache. Sending you and your family lots of warm hugs.

  2. Alyce: I hurt for you...your words; the aching of your heart, have brought a flood of emotion back to me. I too felt like my heart was about to explode as if it were something foreign in my chest. It was a grief so heavy that I felt my heart strain under its burden. Know that my heart aches now for you and your children and all that your family is going through - and will go through.

    It is like a road that is rocky and you are forced to walk it barefoot, but know that healing will be the place at the end of this road and there you will find warm sand to embrace your bruised feet. I will be along side of you during this journey if you should need to reach out. Your life has profoundly touched mine...Linda

    ooooo HUGS

  4. Dear Alyce,
    With each post and each video my heart breaks just a little more for you and your beautiful children. In 1971 my Father died. That left my Mother with four young children (all girls). We were: 12, 8, 5 (that was me) and 4. I can't even imagine how my Mother did it. But somehow she did. We all went to college. We all got married and have good jobs. We all have kids now of our own now too.
    For you, right now this must be a living hell. My sister tells me, "When you're going through hell keep going." You too will keep going and some how, some way you will do it too. My thoughts are with you...xoxox Sandy

  5. Alyce,
    I wasn't sure where I could convey this but I would like to wish Eric a happy birthday. I know he is sick but he is here today to share a special day with those that LOVE him. Enjoy today with your love
    Have a better day
    thinking of your family


Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. Love - Alyce