I feel it necessary to address everyone who is reading this. I do feel an attachment to the idea that people are reading this and somehow supporting my family through the Universe. So, I will refer to y'all from now on as "friend".
We are "hospicing" at home as opposed to in hospital. Unfortunately, there are certain things that cannot be done at home "sometimes". Example - when your pain gets to be too much to bear they bring you into hospital to fix you up. Kinda like the Tin Man in my favorite movie WOO - and after you're fixed they send you back to your home where you belong.
Wednesday, with our team, we decided the hospital is where Eric needs to be. We were unable to manage his level 9 or 10 episodes with the equipment we have here. They felt he would be better and more quickly served at hospital. This information was given to me when we went into hospice.
We decided it best to wait for the children to come home from school so they wouldn't be frightened when their dad wasn't here. They are afraid to go to school, because they expect a phone call or to come home and be told their father is dead. So we waited for them. They came home as scheduled at 3:00. They were sat down and told Dad needs to go back to the hospital. They took it fairly well until 3:15pm.....
The crying by my children as my husband waited to be lifted onto the gurney was overwhelming. The holding onto their father, before he was placed on the gurney, but still in his wheelchair was heart-wrenching.
As Eric was being poorly lifted, (by inexperienced 20 somethings not the gurney) the children then were holding onto my wonderful and caring mother. They were holding her tightly and crying their hearts out.
I walked out of my house while in my robe, looking around to see if anyone was outside watching. Watching this most personal of moments. When they finally got him into the ambulance and settles I said...WAIT!!! I jumped into the back of the ambulance, hugged and kissed my husband and begged him to come home soon. We kissed some - not as much as I would have liked, but it wasn't the right time.
|Daddy is an hour away but we have Face Time!|
Our baby licks the phone as if she's kissing her Daddy. My children get to see that their Dad is not dead. That is reassuring. I get to see that Eric looks the same and not worse. He's a fighter. I'm making him fight. Boy, I hope he wants to fight. Thank god Al Gore invented the internet.
Speaking of not dead. My darling son who is "Gifted in Spirit", (which is actually a true gift - like math, reading, science, music...he is gifted in spirit), asked me just last night how many years Dad has to live.My darling sweet boy. I looked in his deep blue eyes and said, "It is not years." His eyes opened wide, as if he was surprised to hear this news. He ordered me to call EVERY doctor and demanded I make Dad better. I informed him that we did go to every single doctor that could help, and they weren't able to help. I told him we need a miracle. He then told me, "I don't want to hear anything else." He cried. I cried.
|Easier then Real Life Sometimes|
My beautiful big girl told me she's tired of pretending everything is o.k. when she goes to school. She is home from school today. It's hard for her to let go and just scream it out. So, I held her. Told her it was hard for me too. Told her we would all be o.k.. Asked her if she trusted me. And held her more. Until something made us laugh. We then continued with out evening.
....for my husband to come home - ...for a miracle