Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

March 21, 2012

You're not drowning....

...it's just a storm.  It will pass.  This is what a therapist told me after I said, "I'm the captain of a ship and this ship is sinking."  He then told me he has a boat, and he's been in storms.  Remain calm is what he did as the Captain.  After all, if he freaked out then they were really screwed.

Nobody has ever died from grief he said.   We were talking about how sad my children are.  That was comforting.

Today is the second months since my husband and the father of our children was killed by cancer.  Today, was the first day I went to visit him at his new home.  It looked somewhat like I had thought it would.   The tree was there and starting to sprout little buds,  (and no I still don't know what type of tree it is.)   What I wasn't expecting was about 2 1/2 ft. from this beautiful budding tree and a rectangular of dirt approximately 6-7 ft long and 3ft wide.  Under this pile of dirt and in a coffin and then a vault is my children's daddy.

I stood and looked at it.  I was just stunned that it was actually there.  I am not sure what i thought I would see, but I couldn't believe I was seeing past the dirt and past the vault and the coffin and seeing my husband at his funeral looking pain free, handsome, and stoic.

Sitting with my back to the tree as I sat at what I thought was probably where Eric's head was resting.  This is exactly what I thought in my minds on that January 12, 2012, the day that Eric and I planned his funeral.   We had no idea he would be dead in 9 days.  Today, was 80 degrees and beautiful on March 21st.  I was sitting under the tree with a tank top and shorts - and it was almost two warm.

Tears started to roll down my eyes as soon as I pull my car up to the car.  As soon as I got to Eric's home I was sobbing.  I stood and cried and said nothing for a long time.  After a while I realized I sat down with my back to the tree, and cried that I was sorry.  Sorry, that I wasn't doing the job I had promised him when he was dying.  Eric worried so about our children after he died.  He was a wonderful father.   He tried to prepare all of us for the day he wouldn't be here to guide our ship any longer.  How did I become a captain?

Then I lay down.  I put my head where I thought his would be and I lay on the side that was always mind.  Instead of laying on cotton sheets I was lying on grass.  Instead of Eric's arm around me, my head rest on my own arm.  Guidance is what I was looking for.  What can I do to help our children.  Harrison was promised he would have guys around that would do things like Dad.  I'm trying hard to make those days happen but people have lives of their own.  It's hard to devote time to a boy that isn't yours.  My Adelaide cries for her Daddy everyday, but has me to talk about growing up.  My Harrison doesn't have the "how does it feel to be a man, Dad?"  I will continue to ask for help for all of my children.  I am grateful and appreciative of those that have said, "Sure, your kids are amazing.  I'd like to spend time with them, and I'd be honored."  Thank you from my heart.   And no, I don't say that lightly.

I didn't bring a gift for Eric, as when I left my house I didn't know I would wind up at a cemetery.  Not sure what I would bring anyway.  Most people brought flowers.

Kneeling next to Eric's bed I decided to pull out the weeds that were starting to grow.  A meticulous lawn Eric made.  Explaining to the lawn service that our lawn has to be just so, was hard.  Maybe 6 times a year he fertilizes and thatches and I'm not really sure.  Eric would hate weeds growing, so I pulled and pulled.

Then I started to make lines in the dirt.  By the end, with dirty hand I had written I <3 U on Eric's home.  As I wrote it I told him I would do better.  He would be proud of me.  Fix it no matter what it took, is what told him.

Sobbing is how I left.  Some for myself, some for Eric, and mainly for my children.  I will steer this boat out of the storm.  The storm we are in will not last forever, as nothing does.   Whatever it takes, I will make it happen.

With love,


March 19, 2012

Went out on a Saturday night....

...for the first time since D-Day

Best Girl evah and she just happens to be by cousin!
Best Boy-Friend I have.  Who could resist the slab
of meat known as his tongue!
Men/boys rarely exist and look like this AND I meet them.
It's not at all what it looks like.

Not wiping anything off the side of my mouth.
I'm a woman not a girl.
Looks like a great time I know.  It was actually.  Took a limo downtown - we met my Best Non-Sexual'ish boyfriend down there at a bar/restaurant I had never been to.  I haven't gone downtown much (maybe not at all), in the last 11 or so years.  Hasn't changed much.

Plenty of compliments, but as usual not one man bought me a drink.  I must have a look like, who me, nah I can buy my own $14.00 lemon drop martini, who needs ya?  It's a disease I've always had.  Pretty girl in a corner with no boy asking her to dance.  I know it....wowaz me.  Not that I wold've danced with anyone...well maybe I would've dance with the Mario Lopez + Brad Pitt = "What the hell was his name" Yeah, pretty sure I would've.  Although if the math was right I know he could be my son, but he could easily have children that could easily be my grandchildren.  Now I feel so much better.

So, this was Saturday night.  One am called the limo we had postponed from midnight to one - got in the cab and laid my head back.  I was without a man, but was with my cousin who was kind enough to rub my head.  I know she loves me as I love her.  It's not in the, "I feel obligated to tell you I love you because I felt compelled to say it, but because I felt it and meant it.  I've decided I don't say I love you "lightly"  (So many <3 - xoxoxo - I love you's going around.  Makes the "real" I love you's almost questionable.)  I don't just enjoy her company I love her completely.  Never see each other, but we never really need to.  She's part of me and I'm grateful for the love we share.

She did agree that Mr. Mario Pitt was worth a trip around the block as did I.....Then the question came - what was to gain?  I certainly was flattered (I think) that he came into our car.  But once in there, I didn't have much to say, or wanted much to do, (in the you know what you think I mean.)  It wasn't even because it was "too soon" after my husbands' death, it was that, well, I was never a great slut.

Never had guys fawning all over me and waiting in line to ask me out.  I know there is a talent behind it as I've witnessed it.  Women who think they got the "swagger" when all they got is not much of anything behind the "swag"  Now me, I ain't got no swag.  I might even be allergic to the 3 second double stare.  The one that says, "I'm interested."  Blech

Sizing up a new daddy for my kids is not what I'm thinking either.  Will you be a good daddy to my children?  I'm as ready as the next chick to make sure I don't screw this up.  Friends - honesty - integrity - and all of the rest of the usual stuff comes first - then comes baby in the baby carriage.  Well, my baby, but it is a baby after all.

What I was doing was sitting and looking around at the prospects that were around.  I'm dead in the water.  Being with someone before they lost their hair, got a belly, and started farting out loud is one thing....but meeting them after the sunshine has faded is just way too much.  Is it too much to ask that a "young" 30 something would be disgusted and repulsed by:

A. A 46 y.o. woman *in May
B. Three children - 10 y.o. twins & a 20 m.o. baby
C. No chance of having bio children unless we get a surrogate.  And then I'll be just about fifty with a
D. Kinda done "doing" it for sport.  Why for the love are young girls giving blow-jobs to get boys to like
E. Smarter than they are - just on the wisdom alone - and they probably know that.
F. I know their music AND my music.

Sunday I cried.  I realized OMG I am single and alone.  Oh sure, you'll write to me and tell me how fabulous I am and it takes time.  I get that.  But time is weird.  A year to wait for a vacation seems endless - waiting a year to die seems like a second and an eternity.  I never actually thought when Eric died he'd be dead.  I had a horrible dream about him the other night.   We weren't yellers, and a matter of fact, the conversations we had were so distracted by the fact that he spoke so slowly and I couldn't interrupt that as a former New Yorker I wanted to rip my own head off of my own body.  I woke up thinking, there is no way I'm talking to that douchebag.  Literally, after I was up for about 10 seconds I realized I was both correct and incorrect.  I will keep talking to him and he'll keep ignoring me.  Not far from regular marriage I guess.

I cried not for me and my new reality, but for this little girl who wouldn't be able to have someone love her like this.  Hold her heart in his heart.  Be her Daddy.  Yet, I hope against hope that someday my children will be able to feel love like, or similar, this from someone other than me.  Yeah I know it won't happen, but a gal can dream.  I miss this for my children.  Watching myself cry in the mirror is a release.  Watching my children cry with such sorrow is as heartbreaking as you could not imagine.

Every one of us hates our "new normal".  All for different reasons, but none the less it sucks.

The kids miss their hero - mentor - teacher - heart.  I miss what was sure.


March 17, 2012

Vacation is still for 5 but....

Family Vacation Time
...one is not a Daddy it's a Bubbie (Jew for Nana)

An 8 day all inclusive vacation for my children, mother, and me.  Making the reservation was fabulous.  "So, you and your husband will be sharing the King bed."  Me, "I don't have a husband."  Took some of the joy out of making this reservation.

I knew my children would be so excited to be getting the fuck out of here.  Getting away from all the friends he is no longer allowed to play with because the "boys" parents have perfected the art of being Professional Douchebags and hurting innocent children.  PD is not an easy title to obtain from me....but I do occasionally enjoy giving out crowns for the Kind and Queen.

My son told me he waits for his daddy (who will be dead for 2 months on March 21st or, this coming Wednesday.)  Out of here we go.

Back on track I go. 

When Eric was diagnosed with cancer,  (which would kill him 11 short months later) we immediately booked a trip to Universal.  We decided "planned memories" was something that was not an option, but a must.   My "late" husband (as if he'll arrive soon) isn't a big coaster guy.  There was a ride called the Incredible Hulk at the park....a VOMIT ride....The answer to my darling daughter was NO all day from both my husband and myself.  Walking out of the park at the end of the day my daughter looked slightly sulky.  Eric, "Is going on the ride really important to you Adelaide?"  "Well, kinda but don't worry it's o.k."  Eric looked at her took her hand in his and said, "I will always do anything I can to make you happy."  They both cried knowing their love was unconditional.

Who says we be silly?

Unfortunately, Daddy couldn't keep his promise.  He isn't here to do anything to make his daughters or son smile or laugh or feel the love he had for them.
Now, all of this love for them, he had given them is up to me to give them.  People ask parents, "How can you love your children equally?"  Answer, "You're just able to."  How am I supposed to be able to fill my children's hearts with love from me and love for their father who is no longer here.  "You just do????????"  I am trying so hard to give the love of two when I am only one.

This is our first "big vacation" as a new family.  Plane ride, all-inclusive, kid camp, baby club, a cash in the 401K vacation.  Will this buy them smiles?  A few.  I took them away for a one night trip for their birthday.  The day before their birthday was fabulously fun - the day of their birthday was amazingly sad. Sad for everyone who was there.  Sad for the one that wasn't there.

I am overwhelmed with being the only parental "love giver" for my children.  My mother is the most amazing "Bubbie Love" my kids could have.  My father is wonderful "Zaddie Love" to my children.  My relatives have been coming in and out and these people are wonderful gifts to my children....but all said, none of these people are their daddy.

My son recently said to me, "I thought you said when Daddy died there would be a lot of daddy like people around me."  He was right at the time.  I couldn't have known that those father figures would die along with my husband, dead.  Who could have imagined anyone with a heart would do that?   It pains me that my children endure more pain because of.....ah fuck it.  I ain't given' anyone the joy of reposting my blog on their FB pages.  I've been told it's a lot juvenile and almost kinda funny'ish.  Any press is good press right.

Here we go on vacation.  My hands are shaking knowing that there will be crying cause Daddy isn't there.  My heart is aching because Daddy won't be there.   HAL, I will be here always giving you more than I can and holding all of you as tightly as I can so you feel all the love coming from my heart to yours.

I love you my darling children.


We love and miss you Daddy.

Thank you to my wonderful dad who will stay at my home for the entire time we're away.  Don't wanna come home to nothing ya know.

March 4, 2012

Life is Made up Of Moments

Not sure if you've noticed but I changed the front page of my blog.  I started to question why I would do that now?  Is it part of some "process."  The original blog had a quilt around it and in the center was a picture of Eric and me.  I've changed it to a picture of a tree in front of my (do I say mine or ours?) home in the summer when everything is blooming.  The title also was going to change to "I am curious...about my life's journey.  But, because I couldn't find a font and a color I liked I settled on the old and reliable.

It kinda feels like people think there's a "your husband/father of your kids died manual.  There isn't.  Similar to how there isn't a "how to raise a kid" so they're not a "fuck up" when they grow up manual.  I can see em com in' up the pike as we speak.

Life is made up of moments.

Life is made up of One Moment At a Time

I learned that phrase this week.  I like it.  It's simple.  It doesn't speak to what type of moments they are.  Whether they're good or bad....long or short...sad or happy.

They are just moments.  As a matter of fact, moments have to happen.   We are people, we are not movies that we are watching.  That we can pause on a DVR or Tivo or a DVD for that matter.   This is actually real life, real experiences.  

I am guilty of trying so hard to navigate, figure out and plot out a new journey for my family.  Often I'm missing the moments I should be experiencing.  Sometimes it feels like I've missed whole days.  

There are important decisions to be made.  Decisions I made as a we for the last 12 years, I now make as a me.  However, I don't have to make EVERY decision RIGHT now.  Take it slowly, research, understand and then pull the trigger.

The moments I am now living are far less horrible than the moments I recently lived.  So much pain, sadness, sickness, fighting, and fighting death are now different moments.  The pain, sickness, fighting, and fighting death are gone.  Just like that at 5:50pm January 21, 2012 all of that just ended.   It is the sadness that continues.

Thinking about what I'm writing I guess I changed the front of the blog because my life has changed a little.  The Comfort Quilt is still a project I am working on.  However, it is not all that I am.  I am not only a widow.  I am not only a single mother.  I am not only a person incapable of mowing a lawn. 

I am a teacher to my children.
I am an ear for my friends.
I am a listener of wisdom.
I am able to call when I need help.
I have a wonderful family
I know understand that my moments are finite.

Am I becoming more of an "I" than a "we."  It has nothing to do with "too soon."  Or, you should be acting "more pathetic."  It is about at any moment it could be my last moment, so what do I wait for?  Some kind of a sign, or do I wait to experience moments when people tell me it's o.k. to start again?

You know when you buy a white car and then you notice every other jack off bought a white car too.  Well, I believe it's just that now you notice the white cars that drive next to you.  Well, now I notice just how many people are my age or younger are just dropping dead.  Cancer, heart attack, etc.. It's as if death is trying to steal my ability to live one moment at a time.  As if I'm just coasting through life and not even paying attention.

I'm going to pay attention to each moment from now on.  It doesn't have to be "good" or "pleasant"  It just has to be another moment.  My children ask me multiple times a day.  "Can't we just get one more moment with dad?"  I give them the, your dad is always with you, talk.  They always say, "I know but I want a moment when he's really here."

Life is made up of moments.  When you are dying you don't talk about the things you didn't do - you talk about the moments you had, the moments you didn't have, the moments you wished you had had. Enjoy this moment.  And I mean it.  Wherever you are take a moment to realize that this moment is so important.

I love you,


March 3, 2012

Comfort Quilt is Back with New Signatures!!!!

The Comfort Quilt project is in full swing.

For some ridiculous reason I didn't show the signatures.  I did show the edges of the pieces of fabric that were signed.  Brilliant, I know.

We have already been so fortunate to have so many celebrities sign the quilt.  These are the new celebrities that have helped by signing a piece of fabric to be added.

Ron Kittle
Judge Judy

Jonas Brothers
Beau Bridges