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| PLEASE just ONE MORE minute!! |
This is the battle cry every night at bedtime in my home from my 9 year old twins.
REALITY IS SETTING IN and IT SUCKS!
Getting a divorce is a choice one or both married people make. They make this choice knowing that their kids might go through ups and downs but will "ultimately" and "probably" turn out just fine, (or not), but it's still a choice. This was NOT my fucking choice. How did I end up being a 45 year old single mother, aka widow, of 3 children with one being a baby? When your spouse dies there is no "visitation." Unless you consider the ground in which your spouse is buried under the ground and the headstone they get to read, that is supposed to represent all that their daddy was) as "visitation." I don't. I consider it unfair. Oh wait, but life is unfair, or so everyone says. This isn't unfair, this is brutal, disgusting, and fucking horrible.
January 17, 2012 was Eric's birthday. He celebrated with chocolate cake, family and friends. Eric and I blew out the candles together, (as he needed some help). We both closed our eyes and made our wishes. I wished for more time and got FOUR more days. I am not sure what Eric wished for because a wish must be kept a secret. Knowing him he probably wished for peace for himself, and happiness for our children and me. So far we are zero for two.I am hoping that we can honor Eric's promise of being o.k. and happy like he asked us to. It seems too far in the future for either of these things to happen. I will do my best.
- How did you let the doctors NOT help Daddy?
- Are you sure dad's not coming back?
- I just want to tell daddy one more thing, just one more.
- I'm going to build a time machine to go back and see Daddy.
I was mistaken in thinking that my husband's death would be the beginning of the healing process. I did a lot of "pre-grief" (a term I learned in therapy) during Eric's illness. I was the person the doctors told were trying to get Eric to live to his birthday. (I was told this in August and his birthday is in January.)
"HIS BIRTHDAY? WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS BIRTHDAY or
MY BIRTHDAY or THE BABIES BIRTHDAY?", I cried.
When you're nine there is never enough time to spend with your Daddy before he dies and goes away forever! When you're 45 there isn't enough time to spend with your husband before he dies and leaves you behind forever!
The further it gets away from Eric's death - (it's now 18 day) - the harder it is getting. None of us have been away from Eric for this long EVER. Now we start counting the days forward. When is Valentine's Day? It's been ONE MONTH since dad died. I wish Daddy was here for our birthday, etc. etc. etc..
REALITY IS SETTING IN and IT SUCKS!
The truth is no you can never touch your daddy again. You can never ask him a question that you can "hear" him answer. I know many of you believe you will be guided by the dead. Explain that to nine year olds who only want their daddy to tell them again that it will be o.k.. I tell them til I'm literally blue in the face...only to get the response, "I understand that, but I want Daddy."
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| Visitation |
January 17, 2012 was Eric's birthday. He celebrated with chocolate cake, family and friends. Eric and I blew out the candles together, (as he needed some help). We both closed our eyes and made our wishes. I wished for more time and got FOUR more days. I am not sure what Eric wished for because a wish must be kept a secret. Knowing him he probably wished for peace for himself, and happiness for our children and me. So far we are zero for two.I am hoping that we can honor Eric's promise of being o.k. and happy like he asked us to. It seems too far in the future for either of these things to happen. I will do my best.
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| Our Time With Eric Has Run Out. But Our Time Together Has Not!!! |
So sorry, Alyce.
ReplyDeleteSeems the reminders come fast and furious, early on, almost piling up with no time between to catch your breath. Each marker (birthdays, anniversary, holidays) fingers the wound fresh, and leaves you feeling like it'll never heal.
And then, a strange thing: you notice at one point that it's been a while since you lost it over a memory. It becomes a scar, never fully healed, but not as painful. Then, as time moves on, you almost start to look forward to the reminders, to keep the loved one fresh in your memory.
We pray for you guys, here. I know your thoughts on it, and I don't think He comes down and sprays you with emotional anesthetic or anything, but maybe He can help you work through the stages you need to go through, and come out into a little light, sooner than later.
The Klimczaks
I cried as I read this. I just lost my Dad to lung cancer on 7 Feb 2012. He was 80 years old and I'm 51 years old. Every day, the same thoughts run through my head- "I just want to tell dad one more thing, just one more". If I could only have five more minutes with him. But after that, I'd want five more...and then, five more. And so on, and so on. And, you're absolutely right- REALITY IS SETTING IN and IT SUCKS! May you feel God's comfort, as I am asking for the same...
ReplyDeleteDon