Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

December 9, 2011

Two Things you can't control - when you're born and when you die.

So we're born.  Not that we asked to be born. 

Hopefully you're born into a family that's got good values, morals, are compassionate and fun.  They're full of pride and love to love and be loved.  

You go along your life.  You then marry.  O.K. I skipped a few decades.

You divorce.  (It was 6 weeks, but it seemed a lot longer.)

You marry again - this time with a different pro/con checklist.

You have kids, twins of course.

Two dogs are bought to help cure the "I want more kids illness."

Walah, you're pregnant and 44.  Kids 9 years apart.  Perfect for us.

A beautiful baby girl named, Lorelei was 35 weeks and 5 days old or 7 months 6 days when her daddy was diagnosed with Stage IV Renal Cell Carcinoma. 

Diagnosis is poor.

Family meeting is called.  That's actually a meeting, where everyone in the family meets in the family room and we talk about something "serious".

"You're dad is sick.  He has cancer."  A lot of crying.

9 months later, well maybe I'll be more exact....8 months and 30 days ago...I'll life was good - not great - like people pretend their lives are but good.

An "end" date or the day you die was discussed in very general terms.

YES your cancer is extremely rare, yes it's inoperable and we have no therapy for you....the good news is I have patients that have lived for 6 years.

O.K. I'm not great at math - but it puts me at 51 - our 9. y.o. twins at 15 - our 7 months old baby at 6 years and 1 month.  It's puts my husband 53.

How can we get a number.  Most people walk around assuming there is no end insight.  I mean I know I'm gonna die, but not in real life, and certainly NOT when I'm aware.

Then your told that you have less than a decade.

Whoops.   Hold on.

Things aren't working so well, we are changing  our guess.  We are going to recalculate at 1 year minimum - 3 year likely - 5 year "eh"

I'm not doing the math and but that makes my youngest baby at 5 years and 1 month.  Too young for your daddy to die.  But perhaps that won't happen.

Secret conversation, at six months A.D....that's After Dianosis...I ask...how long really.  "It's not good."  I say not a thing.

So how close to your death do you want to know?  Do you want to be told you've got 10 years, 5 years, 1 year, 6 months, 2 months, 2 weeks.  I'm certainly not sure if it were me I'd want to know.

Would you sit in the corner of your unpainted room and curl up and bang your head against the wall?  OR would you look death in face and say "I'm gonna stand up and walk to death.  Smelling the smells, soaking up the sun, kissing my family."

Who really knows how they will feel when the time has come for them to no longer exist.  (I'm not religious, or I would probably say in the flesh.)  Because guess what, the time is going to come.  I think no matter how old or young you're kinda like, "Fuck, now."

Have you ever really lived enough to be ready to die.

Is there a chart?

Score 1-10 (haven't lived enough at all)
Score 11-30 (kinda lived but ahh...screwed around too much and didn't live up to everyone's expectations
Score 31-50 (yup you can die now...great job, a couple great kids, house, yada yada)
Score 50& up (oy, I'm tired already enough is enough)

So somehow we got screwed and ended up with a score of 42.  So, behind our curtain is an early death leaving a young widow and three very sad children.

Everything ends
Well this sucks ass.

The End

P.S.  This was not edited.  I'm sure you can tell with the following words their, thought, and a few other words I consistently screw up.  Sorry


  1. Darlin that really does suck... I wish I could tell you that things will be ok and that maybe just maybe by some miracle numbers and math mean nothing..I could tell you that the pain and suffering are far worse than the peaceful rest at the end.. Does any of that really matter? No.. What matters is how are you suppose to deal.. How are the children suppose to handle something like this.. What matters is that you and your family are making the best of every day.. and NEVER be ashamed of asking for help.. because darlin.. you are gonna need it.. even if it is only a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen..and darn it if you can't find someone close to you that will let you scream and yell, because you will.. then find me.. :)

  2. I know it sucks. After I say this you can rail at me. At some point, not now, you have to stop looking at what you don't and look at what you do have. Most of us never find true love. You did. Sometimes the best things in our lives are fleeting. But, we were lucky to have them . I know you see the pain in your children's eyes which seems to dwarf the pain we feel only to make our pain greater. 26 years later if I think about it I still cry but it shifts to the good times, the smiles, the times that were better because of the person I did it with. that is something that can never be taken away. It is the good that lives on. You will see your husband in your kids everyday. At first it may feel like it is destroying you. In time it will be a source of comfort. You have many friends fall back on them and their love.

    Hope this didn't piss you off.

    Love always your friend , Phil


Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. Love - Alyce