Words Hurt - Even "ON" Palm Beach

...taken about the same time the video was made.

I just watched a video my late husband recorded exactly two weeks prior to his death January 21, 2012.  He was giving the kids a life lesson on how what you say really does matter to other people.  He went on to explain that when you're working people will try to tear you down by saying things that might not be true - but you must rise above it.

My son had a vocabulary list to do and "integrity" was one of the words on the list.  He had to use the word in a sentence.  The sentence needed to be able to be understood by the reader without giving it away.  "My dad is a man with integrity.  He's honest and I want to grow up to be just like him."

I'm in a sticky situation now.  I must think that I wouldn't be in this if Eric weren't dead.  Other than the obvious - he would've done more due diligence before throwing himself into something (anything for that matter.)

Eric died on a cold day in January - by the budding of flowers in March I had decided my children and I HAD TO MOVE!  Eric took more than 3 months to decide on a new underwear type.  No, not me.  Don't make any big decisions, warned, um everyone.  With a subtle eye roll I'd acknowledge what they were saying and explained how that applied to most but not to me.

Fast forward 8 months after Eric's death and about 6 weeks after picking up my family and moving us to paradise.

I have so many absolutely hateful things to say about my situation.  I am trying so hard to bite my tongue (smack my hands) and not spew the venom about my current living situation.

This is what I will say.  Let me first say, that I absolutely understand the word slander and all that it entails.  I'm not being slanderous as long as I'm being honest.   Honest I'm good at.   Here we go....

...I rented a home on Palm Beach.  The next question is always where?  Palm Beach.  I know, but where.  It's the craziest thing...ON PALM BEACH ISLAND.  Ugh...Oh, you live on the island, they say.  Yes, yes we do.  It is an amazingly beautiful and peaceful place.  As you drive over one of the 3 bridges to get onto the island from West Palm Beach you immediately feel a sense of calm.  

The home we rent is 4 blocks from the Ocean - yes the Atlantic Ocean.  .75 miles to Starbucks - .3 miles to school - .5 miles to the Supermarket - within 5 minutes from anything and everything.  The home is much smaller than the home we lived in - BUT we have a pool - AND my mother has a very small guest house to call her own.   In order to get a reasonable (which is still unreasonable) price on rent I agreed to pay the monthly rent in advance (known as advance rent) - two years in advance rent.  

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

We moved in August 15, 2012 - by September 6, 2012 my landlord had already consulted with her attorney to see what her options are.  I don't have the strength to go into the minutia of everything.  It is fair to say that in my extraordinarily long and complicated life I have never happened upon a person such as this.  

The things I knew before moving in:

• My landlord would be living two doors down from me.  No issue as I am very particular about how I live.
• My landlord has no children
• My landlord has never been married
• My landlord is (or believes) that she is a prominent real estate broker ON PALM BEACH ISLAND
• My landlord has a slight attitude issue.

The things I didn't know before moving in:

• I would have to fight this woman to correct issues that were a danger to my children and myself.
• I would have to call the Town of Palm Beach to see if there were code violations.
• I would find out that low and behold there are code violations.
• I would feel a sense of satisfaction knowing she would be opening her mail to find out that she HAD to fix the issues I had simply asked to be fixed.
• I would want to scream from the rooftops that she is a mean mean mean lady.  Well, that's my opinion - do I then say allegedly?

Where do we stand now????????  Well...I'm trying to get her to understand that we need not argue.  We need not throw stones and say bad things about each other.  We need to go away from each other - not mad just away.   I have asked 2 different attorney's to explain to this "woman" that I will at all cost protect my children, my mother, and myself.  Still, the words fall on deaf ears.

As I watched my late husbands video today - explaining how words can hurt and how you should choose them carefully.  I can only think of one thing.

YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH MY HUSBAND - YOU'RE DEALING WITH ME!!!!

We can do this the easy way or the hard way but...

...Eventually we'll do it my way!!

...acting like the captain of the ship

...but I'm just

I'm the cook!!

So this is the deal.  This video isn't fun, funny or fabulous but it is amazingly loooooong.  I haven't written a blog in a while because I've been so busy trying to figure "it" out.  

In case you don't know I've picked up my family (3 kids and my mother) and moved us to another state.  I did this BEFORE the one year mark I was supposed to wait after the death of my husband.  It was 6 days shy of his being dead for 7 months.  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

Reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

I know my therapist would tell me that my feelings are justified, relevant, and genuine.  I'll stick with my famously childish saying of "it's just dumb."  Not brilliant, by fitting.

Sure, I'll get 1000 emails telling me to "stop feeling sorry" for myself.  Really, I'm not.  It always goes back to my children.  They've been so short changed.  I'm a good mother, I know that I am.  Am I good enough to be a mother AND a father?  

My mother says whether you're faking it or not if you're doing it, well, you're doing it.  It feels like lying kind of.  I'm familiar with this feeling as I spent my teens to early twenties perfecting the art of lying.  Lying takes WORK.  You've got to constantly remember what it was you said to be consistent.  That's what living a life that's unexpected feels like.  I have to constantly think about what it is I should be doing.  Being the captain of a ship means you train (or whatever it is you do to drive a ship).  I've got no training and the Captain of my ship has died unexpectedly.  That leaves ME to drive this barge.

Ugh, what a long driveling note this is.  Perhaps after the skies stop opening up around me and the sun comes out this will pass - Boy, I hope so.

Of course I'm in a Hurricane....

HURRICANE ISAAC

Sure my eyes are closed...

but yours would be too!

Whose practical joke is this?

...what is it all about?

Some would say this is my mantra.

I'm not a person that "asks" for things or favors.  Friends of mine do wonderfully generous things for me.  They offer.  "Do you need a ride?"  "Can I bring you coffee?"  Etc...

Let me say that I know this happens.  I'm not a blithering idiot that doesn't see people at their most generous.  I always ask, "Why the hell would anybody do anything for me?"  Yet, I have still not found the answer to that question.  

I am really very thankful, I am just have trouble wrapping my head around it.

Recently (like within the last 6 months) I've been called an ingrate, elitist, non-understanding bitch.  This came from people who gave me the most generous gift, their time.  I never asked, they just did it.

People tell me often that I believe "It's All About Alyce."  Alyce, that's me.  How can people say it's all about Alyce when Alyce...

• doesn't ask for anything?   
• has never broken someone's heart. 
• shares with friends and family more than I can sometimes.
• listens with a concerned ear.
• takes shit when she knows she should be throwin' it.

I know...

...duh

I've been in therapy for more then 3, that's right three decades.  I've talked, debated, cried, laughed and realized that it's a never ending process.  That's the beauty of being a mental patient doctor - you never graduate from going.  Seeing a therapist is a lifelong commitment.  The only reason to break up with this doctor is because you're moving - NOT because you've figured it out.

My husbands death solidified (as if I didn't know), it's not about me alone.  It's about my children and me, or my friends and me, or my family and me, or the man who walks by my side and me.  

I gotta say the common thread in all these relationships is I'm there.  So, perhaps it is all about me.  

• My choice to dis-continue relationships that are, well, not great...
• My choice to live out of my comfort zone          ;-)
• My choice to cultivate relationships
• My choice to return favors the best way I know how




Kinda

My choice to continue with relationship that are, well, great...

It's all about me - my loves - my heart

Recently I asked for something - I didn't get it <I didn't think I would> but I still asked.  It did take upwards of 3 hours for me for me say it.   But I said it.  

I'm not sure what I thought would happen if I asked.  I know what I thought - I thought I'd be rejected.  I hate that.  Rejected (or so I thought) is what happened.  But, I didn't die - I didn't throw up - I might have eaten more at dinner than usual - but other than that I was fine.  

I originally said I was an idiot for asking someone to do something for me, as it didn't work like I hoped it might.  

What the hell, it didn't really hurt to ask.

...I have the uncanny knack

...to make everything - even tragedy seem simple.

In politics the people that judge your administration are called historians.  It takes a few decades to determine whether a President (for example) was a good/bad President.  The repercussions of ones behavior cannot be studied until way after the decisions have been made and the end of the game has been reached.

I am making decisions daily that will effect my entire family directly.  I am supposed to wait 20 years to find out if I fucked up or not?  UGH.   I will be moving my family out of the only home they have in their memories.  A two year commitment (with contracts and all) have been drawn to lock us into a new life for the next 48 months.  According to my original point - this decision cannot be judged until my children are themselves married with children.

My mind has been spinning wondering if I'm making the right move.  It's a huge emotional, physical, and financial decision.  What does one do when faced with a decision, you might ask?   Go visit their dead husband and ask his opinion.

The tree where you live.   Thank you for our chat.

Sitting and talking with you today was nice.  Clearing up some issue we had (or starting to) was pretty cathartic.  Asking if you agree with the decisions I'm making (still haven't got feedback on that one.)  But, I was able to remember that if something was really important to me you would agree after the fourth or fifth conversation.   Rest assured, I am aware that you would NEVER make the decision I have made without many conversations with pros/cons and lists up the ass.

At the end of our conversation I went to my car and had a sort of epiphany.  You died 6 months and 2 days ago and I have been unable to figure out what to write on your headstone.  I'd say I've thought about it 90% of the days since you've been gone.  What to write?  It just never came to me.  

First Name, Last Name, DOB, DOD

When a daddy dies they deserve more than that just the facts - they deserve a testament to who they were and what their legacy means.

Writing a  forever message to the father of my children through their eyes was more than impossible.  It was horrendous.  What to write came to me after my visit today.

You passed on integrity, love, wisdom, and honor to our children....

...our children's behavior is evident of your legacy.

My children don't know what I wrote and I don't feel comfortable writing it here.  I feel that our children will touch their Dad's headstone and feel a connection to the words I have finally been able to write for them.

Being able to write this does not mean that I will have no reason to think of you any longer.  I think of you daily as I look at the wonderful children we had together.   

With love,

Alyce

Dear Mama... July 8, 2012

...please kiss Lorelei for her birthday for me.  I miss you and love you so much.  Can you please put flowers on daddies grave.




WHAT??????????


My oldest darling daughter who is at overnight camp sent me a two sentence note and one of them was asking that I put flowers on her dead father's grave. 


Seque:


I didn't have a celebratory party for my daughter's 2nd birthday.  How could I throw a party for her when her daddy isn't here to celebrate with her.  Oh, sure it'll be easy for people to say, "Let her enjoy her day." OR "It's better if you celebrate, after all it is her birthday."  Well, I just didn't.  Her brother and sister are away at camp and it was only me left at home.  Well, of course my mom was with us...but, ugh, well you know what I'm saying.


When I tucked in my baby that night I kissed her forehead and apologized to her for not having done enough to help save her daddy.  I told her that her daddy loves her and misses her and he would be here to celebrate her birthday with her if he could.  I left out the "because he's dead" part.   Another day that I can't wait for.  The, I bet you're wondering why most of your friends have daddies and you don't conversation.


Seque:


Today I found out that my 10 y.o. son was prevented from participating in a fun event at overnight camp.  Why was he punished you might wonder.  I was told that two boys were fighting and my son threw sand at one of them.  I was then told that he threw the sand because my son said, "I was protecting my friends' honor."  Let me add that the Unit Head said to me, Harrison said Quote  .... blah .... blah... honor End Quote.


What a fascinating story that is when I think about it.  Just to be fair there were NO counselors around during this argument amongst the boys.  I don't run a camp but if you put 15- 10 y.o. boys in camp in a cabin alone someone's gonna lose a limb.  


Anyway..........


My son cried for forgiveness for the next 3 hours I was told.  Saying that "my daddy is looking down on me and is disappointed in me."  The answer to him was, we all make mistakes and your daddy is proud that you owned up to it.


Let me just say - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?


I don't agree with laying your hands on someone else and neither did my late husband.   Together we taught our children about honor, standing up for what you believe in, telling the truth, being happy, and so many other things.  I know Eric would be so proud that Harrison was trying to protect his friends honor.  My son, (who isn't very tall), told the counselors that his friend was small and couldn't defend himself.  


My son is neither aggressive physically or emotionally.  He is a gentle person.   His empathy dwarfs that of most people I know. His selflessness is to be admired.  So when he is standing up for his friends' honor and he is punished - what is the life fucking lesson???????  After hearing the story I originally said to the counselor - "Good job.  This'll be a good life lesson for him not to put his hands on someone else."  I admit now and for the world to know - that was one of the most moronic things I've ever said.  I'm so grateful that life affords you the opportunity to call a "DO OVER" at will.  


Tomorrow is DO-OVER day.


Tomorrow I get to pick up my children and take them to lunch.  I'm surprising them by bringing the baby, my parents, and their favorite non-sister sister P'Hanie.    (As a total random side note that won't mean much to any of you - I want you to know Stephie - you have made a profound impact on the hearts of my children and myself.  You are part of us always and we love you.)


Anyway..............


After we have lunch and the twins drain my bank account by a couple hundred dollars in Target, I will have a meeting with the camp.    I will ask them if they have a friend that is willing to fight for them.  I will tell them that everyone should have a Harrison in their life.  Someone who is willing to fight for them.  Throw themselves in front of what danger comes their way.  


I am my children's Harrison.  I love them so much - more than myself.  You'll get that if you're a parent, and if you're not I hope for you that you are/have a Harrison.


Today I will hug my children and explain to them that the way they lead their lives is a testament to their dad and myself.  How clear it is that they have absorbed the lessons we taught them as parent(s) and the lessons I will continue to teach them as a lone parent.   They are not without their father - as his morals and values continue to be present in their hearts and actions.  




With love,


Alyce

...so many things to juggle

...so many many many things to juggle.

The sale of almost everything I have ever earned in my lifetime is going to be sold.

That sale starts in 36 hours.

It's not the "stuff" that's the hard part.  It's the memories of what occurred on - around - or near the stuff that's the hard part.  Everything has meaning, or memory, or reason it's been kept.  Kept - even if the reason is I didn't know it was even there so I haven't had the chance to throw it out.  (way run on sentence)

Going through "MY" clothes from years of working and then not and then working - Anyway, I'm selling anything I own that I've worked in.   I have donated work clothing before, BUT NEVER ALL OF IT!!!  

Going through "MY" clothes from years of stopping and starting at the gym.  (I did keep some workout apparel "just in case" I decide to work out again.)

Going through "MY" shoes I decided NOT to throw out the "blue" shoes I wore when Eric and I married.  I kept the little bag I carried that day.   The bag was baby blue too.

Going through "MY" dresses I found my baby girl's 1st birthday dress.  It was just beautiful, she looked beautiful, the pictures of our family looked so beautiful.   Our lives were imploding.

Eric was admitted to the hospital February 16, 2011 and diagnosed with kidney cancer that same week.  By July, 2011 we both knew he wouldn't see his baby daughters' next birthday party dress.  

Our baby is only going to be 2 years old and her father has been dead for 5 months.  Very soon he'll be dead longer than the 16 months she had known her daddy.  BUT, I will keep the dress she wore for the birthday she shared with her dead and give it her when she's old enough. 

She'll say:

"Ya see this dress it's the most beautiful dress in the world.....I wore this to the best birthday party of my life .... cause my Dad was there when I wore it."

Eric's clothes.  I decided now would be a good time to sell them.  There will be some people who come who can't find work and NEED a suit or a button down shirt and I have those.  I thoughts I would line Eric's suits on a rack and put a price tag on it.  Selling it to someone more needy for them than I am is what should probably happen.  

It's NOT Gonna Happen!!

I'm not going to sell my late husband's clothes.  I want to for so many different reasons.   Most of which make no logical sense.  None of what's happening makes sense.

The only thing that kinda makes sense is I absolutely have the deep understanding of what my responsibility is to my entire family.  

Anxious is how I felt when I started to write this.  Feeling like life was running me a bit as opposed to me running it.  Then I remembered that nothing really happens unless I let it.  Sure, I can't control outside things, like what people do, but I can control how I react to it.

DAY 2

While I was writing last night I received a call from the Camp where my kids are spending the summer.   They found two ticks on my son.  The ticks combined with a rash and a low grade fever worried the nurse.  She needed to check his genitals (WHAT?) to make sure no ticks crawled up there.  Harrison was absolutely hysterical when I spoke to him.  Not to worry, you stay clothed and I'll be there as soon as I can.

I left all of my thoughts of how overwhelmed I was from all that was going on and focused only on getting to my son to make sure he was o.k..  When I got there he ran to me and threw himself onto me.  Kissing and hugging me and telling me how grateful he was I came to him.  "Of course I did," I told him.

The nurse explained that he needs to go to the doctor to make sure he does not have a DISEASE and he made need to get a SHOT.  (Um, hello???????????????  I thought I spoke to everyone at the camp about my children's father having just died.  Apparently, the memo didn't get to this nurse.  Reassuring my son that NO he did NOT have a "disease" and that we don't know that he NEEDS a shot, he started to feel better.

My boy and I were having a private chat - Nurse Rachitt kept peaking her head in trying to hurry up the process of making my son feel at ease.  I told her, "We'll let you know when we're finished."  "That was awesome Mom," Harrison told me.

We discussed the dance he went to, (with a girl).  She's cute, smart, and funny.  He told me kids are saying that they're dating and he asked me how he would know if they're dating.


DAY 5


I am not going to be able to finish these thoughts - so I'm sharing them as my life is.  Crazy, changing, sad, lonely, happy, relaxed, exhausting!!!!!!!!

...what do you need to have a...

...picnic?

I found out yesterday that I had thrown an impromptu picnic.  In all honesty I had no idea what this person was talking about.

Sure we were outside.  Outside long enough that I brought out a few drinks, (my favorite honey mustard pretzel) pieces with string mozzarella cheese, and my friend and I sat on my front porch for hours just talking.

It's interesting to think how I feel so thankful for people wanting to spend time with me.  Really, they could be doing anything but sitting with me for hours and hours just talking.  I must have talked a lot because I was actually called a narcissist at one point in the conversation.

- As a side not that was the second time THAT day I was called a narcissist.
- On the other side I was called generous by four people the day prior.

I think that makes me a hubris philanthropist.

People's time has become very important to me.  How much of "their" time is spent with me because they choose to spend it with me has become kinda really important to me.  Imagine all of the things people can be doing other than spending time with YOU and they chose you.  That's kind of  a big deal because people's time is finite.

Oh god, this is so over the top deep.  I absolutely need to get my funny back...or at least throw my deep OUT!

O.k.   Back to being grateful for time.  There is nothing that I loathe more than spending time with people I don't really want to be with.  Why do we do that?  Why do we spend our finite time with people we're either ambivalent about or just don't like?  Crazy, I think is why we do it.

If everyone knew they only had a year - a month - a week - or a day until they died who would they choose to spend that time with?  Of course, most people don't think in this way.  Holy shit, what if I find out tomorrow that I only have a year to live...I gotta figure out who I want to spend time with.

In August of 2011 I knew my late husband would be dead on or around his birthday the following January.  That's five months.  I chose to tell nobody about this news I received from the doctor.  I didn't think it was fair that I tell a father he has about five more months of watching his kids smile.  I thought it would be too much for him to handle and what if they were wrong, and what if he just gave up....So, I said nothing.

In saying nothing I also didn't give him the opportunity to spend his time as he would have wanted had he known he had very limited visits left.  It wasn't actually until December that he started to have those "scheduled memory picnics" with those he had been close with throughout his lifetime.  He chose on his own that December was his time to say good-bye.

The confusing part is maybe he should've spent more time with these people before December.   After all by December he knew his time was quickly coming to an end and he did choose to picnic with these people.  I imagine that these people were very honored to have been asked to picnic by Eric as his death was drawing more and more near.

So, this is my point.  I think...

I am grateful to those that are choosing to spend time with me while they're living and not wait until they are dying.

Thank you so much for either coming over or inviting me over to be with you.  Thank you for sitting and listening and taking with me for hours and hours when you could've been anywhere else.

I'm not gonna wait til I'm dying.

Alyce

...one of the most impossible things to do...

Seize the Day "In Real Life"

So many have experienced their hardest days and have sworn that....

'FROM NOW ON I WILL SEIZE THE DAY.!!

Many a book has been written on living in the now...as a matter of fact I have a tattoo in a secret place that says just that - GUESS WHAT???  Try as I may I don't always live in the now.

So much of living in the now relates to how our ego responds to outside circumstances.  

I'm fairly sure I could not be more deep than right this second.  Ha

Two days ago I was told by three different people that I was "generous."  Looking around at who they were talking about....I was told they were talking about me.  I was shocked.  One of those, c'mon now moments.  "Are you fucking kidding me?", was of course my reaction.  After many, "Are you kidding" and "Me?" and "Can you give me an example of something I might have done?"  Finally, I was told to say thank you and I did.

Today, I had another conversation where I was asked to explain myself about a statement I had made.  Let me say that I knew and understood exactly what I was saying as I was saying it....However, when called out on it, I asked if it was possible that I might not explain what I mean.  

OF ALL THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET SOMEHOW 
I HAVE BECOME UNABLE OR UNWILLING 
TO EXPRESS A STATEMENT.

I swore after Eric's death I wouldn't let opportunities skip by me because there might not be another opportunity.

No more I wish I woulda been more honest and said what I really meant.

It wasn't gonna be me who would continue to tolerate the round-a-bout way of speaking that I'd been learning for the last 14 years.  

Nope, not me, I'm gonna do what I WANT and say what I WANT.

...except of course when GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY 

Most people ain't gonna put their ass out their if they might get spanked (metaphorically'ish).  Long story LONG I was pushed enough that I actually said out loud what I was thinking in my head.  

How have I not learned my lesson of "time if precious" or "you just never know"???????  UGH..What a pathetic way of NOT learning a lesson and not allowing a tragedy to be the impetus for change.  

What will he, she, they, or those think, say, do about something I might, want, or already have done??

Most people would say, "You Alyce?  C'mon you'll say anything."  Essentially that's true....Unless of course it involves my real deep ego.  

Once again, I am reminded that I need to be able to give myself permission to not give a shit what I might think of a decision that I make.  

I'll try to do better...

Boy, is my mother going to need to edit this.

With love,

Alyce

There aren't many days that are....

...unexpected - easy - right

Those of you who have followed my story from the beginning know that I have 10 y.o. boy/girl twins and a beautiful 2 y.o. daughter.  My late husband was diagnosed with cancer 2/17/11 and died 1/21/12 a short 11 months later.

Tears, sadness, anger, relief, thinking, thinking thinking, thinking, acceptance, fear, openness.

My children are and have been my number one joy and also have given me my most intense feelings of despair.  My son told a new friend of mine that he trusted me to make correct decisions.  I'm not fucking up so badly, I think as I heard his words.

I'm having a sale at my home of the things that I thought were my life.  They certainly have monetary value, but I've also learned that these things have emotional value.  As the two days progressed (of selling my "stuff") I became less and less married to the financial side of the stuff and started to embrace more of emotional value.  


The memories have become far more important than how many cents on the dollar I'm getting for an $11,000 couch.  A memory of my oldest daughter's hair being stroked by her father on that couch.  Beautiful memories, that I get to carry in my head - so much more important than any of the things I own in my home. (I must say there is some shit I'm happy to be getting rid of and some things that are just so hard.)

Yesterday I met so many new people.   These strangers helped me prepare my home to sell my objects.  They did it without asking, without expecting anything - they helped kinda because they wanted to.  What a beautiful gift of generosity they gave to me.


I met a pleasant and surprisingly familiar person.  He stayed without being asked by me from afternoon through evening.  "What else ya got for me to do", he asked without hesitation.  After already doing so much for me I felt embarrassed to ask for more chores to be done, so instead I asked for some of his time.  We talked, laughed, bantered, (we did go to a supermarket), but it was kinda nice.  

I dare say almost normal

How can one not feel grateful for a day of "normal."  I do feel grateful.  Today, was the first day of the unexpected doesn't always have to suck..I do hope that I'll have more days of almost  normal.

Goooooooooo with the flow - Live in the Now, Be Present

Now didn't suck.

1,000 words are....

...equal to 12 words written from the heart of my late husband.

Found today June 20, 2012

Tomorrow will be five months since my husband was murdered by a cancer that he had no chance of beating.

Is it a coincidence that I found this today, hidden above the refrigerator where he wanted to keep it hidden from me.  He knew I couldn't reach that high and the chances of me climbing up were nil.

I was asked to help write a speech given by the Maid of Honor of a wedding.  I was able to write the one liners without a problem.  For god's sake I'm a writer.  Then I was asked to write more about the art of marriage.  I was left without a thought in my head.

Eric and I separated two times before promising each other that we'd be together always.  Writing the speech was more about the hard part than the great part.  Everybody knows how a married couple are best friends, laugh together, share the love of the same movies --- but what does anybody know about the hardest times of their new life together, the lost job, the fights about money, the screaming about the kids, the why didn't you get home in time, the I never thought I'd be caring for a paraplegic.   There was no hesitation in what I knew it was my duty to my husband as his wife.  He should feel comfortable enough with me and my love to allow me to care for his most personal needs.  I did it without judgement, with sadness for his new weakness, sorrow as he buried his head in shame.

How can you say these things to two people during the one day these two people believe and think only about the good, not the "real" that occurs when two people blend.

Don't look for perfection, look for protection, safety, love, and integrity. The promise between Eric and me in 2008 (6 years after our initial I do's) were far more significant than the "this is gonna be great" vows.

It wasn't always great, sometimes it wasn't even good.  In the end, I gave him my best from my heart.  I thought it too depressing to tell the truth to two people who I don't know, about the reality of what it takes to stay married.  Two people who don't realize how hard "real life" is.  I hope someone sat them down and gave them examples of "I need you now!" or "I can tell I have to man the boat while you can't" scenarios.

I have a feeling the speech will be about the great pair they make, how they'll always be happy, how things will run so smoothly for them.  

I wish this for them as well.

Living a Life of Insanity...

The process of going through my home to make the keep, throw, sell piles in order to move started yesterday.

I had to physically go through boxes and distribute them to their correct place.  This is absolutely NOT something I am used to doing.  When Eric was alive I'd kinda stroll around whatever room he was working on.  Looking busy was my specialty.  It's not that I didn't want to help because I did.  I just didn't want to have to actually do anything to help.  Although I was the one that offered up to my husband - the turkey sandwich on white with one slice of swiss and ZERO condiments....oh and a glass of coke light ice.

Holy shit, there is so much to do to get my family moved I actually think I just might be going insane.  Day two of the home organization to move I:

• Lost a product I need, ordered, it arrived yesterday and I have lost it today.  I have spent more time looking for this tiny product today than I did looking for a wedding band I had lost.

• A safe of ours with all of our important paper, that NEVER EVER NEVER EVER locks, has someone locked.  

• Today, I was made aware that the "new" school needs more information regarding my son - I cannot even explain the "the district isn't available until after the summer" to me thinking "wait, I think I have a copy" to "where the fuck would I put that copy?"

• I realized I lost the same credit card that I have lost twice in the last six weeks.  Thanks to my banker they're overnighting it.  I shouldn't miss but one day to hemorrhage money.

• I did manage to bathe my 2 year old with absolutely no issue.  Whew

• Taking to my bed is what I've decided to do.  Here I am in bed alone, eating honey mustard pretzel pieces and string cheese.  My bedtime snack of choice.  If I'm really feeling crazy I wrap the cheese around the pretzel.  I usually skip it as it takes far too long to wrap.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again when it doesn't work.  Personally, I think the definition is doing crazy, stupid, forgetful shit all day long.  Whether it's all the same or all totally unrelated.

Meditation would be the answer to my problems.  The chance to get out of your own head and think of nothing.  Meditation is not something you can buy cliff notes for and become a master meditation guru. It takes practice and practice to find that place of, ommmmmmm, zen.  Now that I think about it that's probably why prescription meds are so popular...who has time to practice zen when you can take a pill and immediately'ish zen.

So, here I am laying or lying not sure which is correct eating the last of my snack and thinking thinking thinking of all of the 100 thousand gazillion things I need to do.  Hold on a second - this is why people have assistance otherwise known as "wives."  I wonder where I can get one of these.  Of course she'd have to be strong like a man...I guess a man would be better for this situation but I just cannot imagine listening to someone be right when I'm the Captain of this ship!  I need a first mate or something like that.  

My late husband...oh a funny story first...I said "late" husband to someone in front of my son.  He said, "Why do you keep saying Dad is late?  He's not late he's just not coming."  From the mouths of babes.

Anyway, my husband would have made 45 lists of priorities.  Not that much would get done but we'd be listed up.  We'd have a plan, but would have so many lists it would be hard for me to understand and execute on any of the plans.  With that said, there was NEVER a time that Eric had an important task to do that he didn't come in on time and over budget.

The note cards are coming out tomorrow.  I'll use a marker instead of a pen.  I'll write a big number 1 on the most important thing that needs to get done, then a 2 then a 3...Then I'll realize I had forgotten something and redo the list.  I think what I'm trying to say just might be that tomorrow is a mental health day as opposed to continuing to complicate an already complicated situation with insanity.

To the Father of My Children...

Three Beautiful Children That You Created

Another first.  Today is the first Father's Day since you died almost five months ago.

• Does it make you less of a father now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make you less of a mentor to our children now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make you less of an example of honor and integrity now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make it impossible to go to the supermarket to see all the cards for Dads from children whose father is still living?  Yes it does.

Harrison has been looking on the internet for the perfect gift for you.  I'm not sure what he'll do with it, but I know he's determined to find it and buy it.  I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it has something to do with survival.  

Adelaide, being the realist hasn't spoken of this day.  Not once.

Lorelei calls every man she sees Daddy.  I correct her and say either that's a man or guy.   My heart breaks just a little bit every time she says it.  

Then there's me.  The other half of the children we created.  A better father I couldn't have asked for.

I can recall the conversations from your bed near the end of your life.  Regretting the time you didn't spend playing catch with your son or having the ability to dance with your daughter at the next "My Little Princess Dance".  (I was able to have the name of the dance changed from Daddy Daughter dance district wide.  It made Adelaide so sad that we wasn't able to have her daddy dance with her that I did what you would have expected.  I was an advocate for our children.)

It saddens me that you didn't realize all of the gifts you had given to them.  The throw of a ball isn't more important than teaching your son that integrity is what matters.  The example of honesty is not more important than a dance or two.

Harrison meets new people - shakes their hand - looks them in the eye and says - "I'm Harrison, pleasure to meet you."  That comes from your half.  

Adelaide writes down every detail that needs to be done for every event she's involved with.  She prefers sticky notes or a notebook to the note cards you used, but the lists are the same.

Our baby girl has your amazing blue eyes.  Being more like me,  she smiles and waves at everyone who passes her and says either, "Hello" or "Bye Bye."  You got two our of three, I deserve to have one of our children behave like me.

My will needs to be updated in case something should happen to me.  When we sat down with our attorney to plan our estate I never dreamed that one of us would die while our children were still, well, children.  Now I'm faced with what would seem to be an easy task of giving guardianship to someone else in case they become orphans while they're still children.

The list is short of men who promised to be father figures to our children and actually followed through on that promise that was made to you.   I dare say that not one person (excluding my father) has contacted our children.  There are promises to call and promises to take them to do some daddyish things, but they were just that - promises.   Perhaps, I am vetting the process too thoroughly.   That is what "we" would do if we were together.  Discuss, discuss, think, discuss, more discussion, decision.

How do I find a new family for our children in the case that Mother's Day becomes as dreaded as Father's Day?   Everyone has their lives and everyone is busy Eric.  I understand that.  Give people some slack.  I understand that too.  Don't be so emotional about this.  I get it.  But these are our children we're talking about.  There are cards for people who are "like a dad to me" or "like a mom to me", and as of today there isn't anyone that our children would want to buy these cards for.  

Happy Father's Day Daddy We Miss You

I have decided that I will continue to look for the right person/people to love our children.  I have decided the will will remain as it stood when we made it.   My loving Aunt and Uncle will remain as those who will care for our children until I find a family for our children that I trust with their hearts.

I wish you were here and not dead.  I wish we were giving you more cards than you wanted me to buy.   I wish I could have bought you something you would never use from Brookstone.  I wish our children could hold you and tell you how much they love you.

Thank you so much for giving our children the gifts you have given to them.  I hope before your death our 100 talks of your being a father of strength, integrity, safety, and love will live on through our children and then through their children.

We all miss you so very much.

Happy Father's Day Eric.

Love,

Alyce

Life continues to Bloom

Eric and I planted these 3 years ago

I know I'm supposed to write about how great things are and how life is so much better and there are ponies and unicorns living with us.   Oh, well....maybe tomorrow or later but not right now.


Not as I sit on our front porch just like we used to.  We'd have coffee together and talk politics, kids, work, (his not mine), anything really.  We'd talk for hours, as we'd wake up early to have time together to talk.  We'd talk about how nice the gardens are coming in this year.


Eric would have been so excited that the peony's we planted from nothing are now in full bloom.  It's the most incredible sight to see.  Almost like when you have a baby.  You plant a seed and not sure if it'll take and then, walah, there's a beautiful flower after all.   Our garden is so lush this year and Eric is not here to see it.  Oh sure, everyone says he does see it....but in my world...he's not sitting here and talking to me about how he can't believe how well everything is blooming.


He was so strong, and so healthy, and now he's just dead.  I can't believe he won't share in all that is coming up in our lives.  The kids finish school on Wednesday - we are going to Palm Beach Saturday - then NYC the following week - then overnight camp for them right after that.  He would help them pack for camp.  Loading them up with things I wouldn't have and still won't think of.  Survival stuff.  For me survival stuff is my iPhone.  "Hi, it's Alyce...I have a problem...can you come fix it?"  Eric would always say, yes, and come help me.


Now I have to pack their stuff.  What the hell am I going to miss?  "Cause I know it's gonna be something."


I sit outside alone and lament the past and worry about the future just as I tell people who write to me NOT TO DO THAT, I do it myself.  Two tattoo's later "Be Good To Yourself", and "Living In The Now".


My daughter just came out to sit with me...reminding me that I'm still alive and right now, right now, DOES NOT SUCK.  The flowers are blooming and I am grateful that Eric and I planted them.


Alyce

I don't even like music.

I honestly don't listen to much music, but in the last two blogs (this one included) I have used songs as the backdrop to what I'm thinking.


In 1999 shortly after Train left San Fansisco in a $1000 van and came to a Chicago Festival - I was there. I saw Train for FREE.  I then became a fan.  Going to all venues where Train was playing- meeting their parents and both their parents and I were in awe of their talent.


Train is coming to Chicago on August 11 and 12 this will be 13 years after I first saw them..  (My kids come back from camp August 10; perfect.)  "Wanna see train," I asked them.  "Yay!!!!"  Train tickets are now $250 per person on the cheap end shitty seats.  Ugh, I remember when I met your mothers I wanted to call and tell them.   Short story long, we decided NOT to go see them.


Crazy Train rant, anyway.......


....I am moving my family - myself and my three children.  Moving them to another place, another direction, another chapter in their lives.  Just me.  


I
I
I
I
I


What if  I make the wrong move
What if I take them on a the wrong path
What if I screw up this whole plan.


I'm so sick to death of IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.   I shouldn't have been forced to make these life decisions for all of us.  I was supposed to be 80% of the decision making - NOT 100%.  You know it's true.  Women in a relationship make the decisions almost all of the time.  Well now I get the privilege of owning the other 20%.  All mine.  Like my two year old says, "Mine, mine, mine, mine."  This phrase can drive anyone insane.  I'm almost there, insane I mean.


After a few far away trips alone I found our new home.  Yes, I did it!  I found are new  home was.   Everyone fit in this home so perfectly.   Not everyone was there as they were supposed to be, but everyone who is here, had their place.


My husband has been dead for 4 months and 1 day.  January 21st 2012 is when he was killed by cancer and today is May 22nd.


Yesterday, I was told the "perfect" home was no longer available to us.  More than a few times I asked, "Is this a done deal?", to be told yes don't worry.  Nobody's fault really.  Another family, the family who own this home decided as I had that this is the home for them.  I get it.


 Calling All Angels - Please let me know what to do

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

Calling all you angels 

Love you,

Alyce