...unexpected - easy - right
Those of you who have followed my story from the beginning know that I have 10 y.o. boy/girl twins and a beautiful 2 y.o. daughter. My late husband was diagnosed with cancer 2/17/11 and died 1/21/12 a short 11 months later.
Tears, sadness, anger, relief, thinking, thinking thinking, thinking, acceptance, fear, openness.
My children are and have been my number one joy and also have given me my most intense feelings of despair. My son told a new friend of mine that he trusted me to make correct decisions. I'm not fucking up so badly, I think as I heard his words.
I'm having a sale at my home of the things that I thought were my life. They certainly have monetary value, but I've also learned that these things have emotional value. As the two days progressed (of selling my "stuff") I became less and less married to the financial side of the stuff and started to embrace more of emotional value.
The memories have become far more important than how many cents on the dollar I'm getting for an $11,000 couch. A memory of my oldest daughter's hair being stroked by her father on that couch. Beautiful memories, that I get to carry in my head - so much more important than any of the things I own in my home. (I must say there is some shit I'm happy to be getting rid of and some things that are just so hard.)
The memories have become far more important than how many cents on the dollar I'm getting for an $11,000 couch. A memory of my oldest daughter's hair being stroked by her father on that couch. Beautiful memories, that I get to carry in my head - so much more important than any of the things I own in my home. (I must say there is some shit I'm happy to be getting rid of and some things that are just so hard.)
Yesterday I met so many new people. These strangers helped me prepare my home to sell my objects. They did it without asking, without expecting anything - they helped kinda because they wanted to. What a beautiful gift of generosity they gave to me.
I met a pleasant and surprisingly familiar person. He stayed without being asked by me from afternoon through evening. "What else ya got for me to do", he asked without hesitation. After already doing so much for me I felt embarrassed to ask for more chores to be done, so instead I asked for some of his time. We talked, laughed, bantered, (we did go to a supermarket), but it was kinda nice.
I met a pleasant and surprisingly familiar person. He stayed without being asked by me from afternoon through evening. "What else ya got for me to do", he asked without hesitation. After already doing so much for me I felt embarrassed to ask for more chores to be done, so instead I asked for some of his time. We talked, laughed, bantered, (we did go to a supermarket), but it was kinda nice.
I dare say almost normal
How can one not feel grateful for a day of "normal." I do feel grateful. Today, was the first day of the unexpected doesn't always have to suck..I do hope that I'll have more days of almost normal.
Goooooooooo with the flow - Live in the Now, Be Present
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| Now didn't suck. |
Alyce - your children are very very lucky - when I was 10 my mom was with twins and only one survived birth and no one talked to me every till this day about my other brother that died and at the same time my mom and dad changed forever - and I have no thought on death ever - even now that my dad died back in 2012 at age 95.74 and my mom is happy and perhaps becoming more her old self at age 92 - I do not understand death that other people talk about but deal with everything in this world in my own unique way - ha - everything is strange - even the computer wanted to change your name when I spelt (no one uses this spelling correctly anymore) it above -
ReplyDeletemy mom's new saying after my dad died?
happy day!