As an FYI, my family still laughs. As a matter of fact my kids laugh often. Our baby Lorelei, can now almost repeat words when you say them. That's fun, but it's even more fun when you translate what she's saying into something totally different and inappropriate.
I am a big Eckhart Tolle fan - but somehow I've lost the ability to live in the now. I have a tattoo on my belly that covers my c-section scar that says "Living in the Now". And even with that I forget that right now is all we ever really have. Make plans, go ahead, but you just don't really know if you'll be able to do any of them.
<GRINDING HALT>
I gotta say I thought I could write an upbeat blog about our sometimes laughter. Honestly, I just can't. We may each get moments of peace, but I believe our saddness at this time never lifts.
A friend sent a story to me. A beautiful story named How My Husband Taught me To Enjoy Every Sandwich.
I read it and I am so grateful that Lee was able to face death in the face with a grin. It was inspiring to read. Unfortunately, my family is not living this same journey. I am not insinuating that this isn't how their journey happened, but I dare suggest it is not how "most" journey's happen.
The article speaks about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. I'm in the What The Fuck Stage, which I didn't notice. I believe my children are in the anger and bargaining phase.
After re-reading the article for the third time I notice that there is no mention of children. Not sure that there are no children but they didn't mention, so I assume there's none. I believe adding the dimension of leaving young children takes dying to a different level.
I've often thought how would I feel if it were just Eric and me? Quite frankly, I think I'd be less devestated. I would still be devestated, please don't misinterpret, but having "young children" in the mix changes everything. A large part of my burden is the burden of being a mother of twins that are 9 and a baby that isn't yet two, and how to navigate their lives. It's not a dead beat dad we can be pissed off at or a part time useless father. It is a father that no matter what happens will not hold their hand during times when they're older when they need a Daddy's touch and not just a Mommy's.
So, I started to try to write a Happy Harriet blog and it turned right back around. Those were not my true feelings. Although, we do share laughter, it's so rare at this point. I want to be more zen and live in the now and focus on today. OR I want to go into the street and throw shit around and spit and kick and scream and break everything. Yeah, I wanna do the latter.
The five phases of grief are LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Necessary says the therapist but LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
 |
Alyce, I can sympathize with your struggle and can only say that you are doing the right thing by writing and sharing your emotions. Much better than holding them inside. My wife lost both parents over the course of 2010 and we both still grieve. Am locked in a depressed state and struggle to shed it and move on. The fact that I'm still there means that there is something I haven't learned yet. When the lesson is learned then I'll be able to leave this desolate place. It is a long journey...but know you are not alone. Pat Tyree
ReplyDeleteSo with you! Fuck this 5 stages crap. How we each deal with a death is extremely personal and like a fingerprint,is always different. No one can say what you will experience about how you feel. The only thing I can say that might make sense as far as dealing with this is this in my own experience: As much as it hurts and I know it does,I think I could handle a long term illness better then a sudden death. In my heart I know if my wife's cancer turns terminal,I will have time to mentally prepare and say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteAnd while that just scares the cat poo out of me,I know long term I can be at peace with that.
But at 17 years and counting,I am still angry at my brother's death at the hands of another. I fight with this everyday,to try and figure out why we as Americans so gladly embrace the gun. To refuse to acknowledge that its one of the reasons why this country is awash in blood and despair and does nothing to fix it.
I wish I had the courage to forgive the murderer of my brother but I still struggle with it every single day. There is no easy solutions here,Alyce,is there?
This is your journey and no one else's. We,your family,friends and readers can only stand here and help you when you want us too. We have no right to try and understand what you are going through...only to try and love you through it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAlyce,
ReplyDeleteI usually have something to post but today I am over emotional so I just wanted to send you this link. When I hear this I think of you and your kids. Picture what a strong person you are even those times you need to let it out. I know it is a woman this is focused on but I take it and turn it vise versa. You are wonderful. Just wanted to sign makes it a bit more personal :)Alyce,
I usually have something to post but today I am over emotional so I just wanted to send you this link. When I hear this I think of you and your kids. Picture what a strong person you are even those times you need to let it out. I know it is a woman this is focused on but I take it and turn it vise versa. You are wonderful
link didnt attach
ReplyDeletehttp://www.naplyrics.com/martina-mcbride/im-gonna-love-you-through-it-video_1cdf67a2c.html
Dawn
You have a beautiful family. May you find comfort in them and those closest too you. You are a great mom...
ReplyDeleteGinette Cesario
...thank you all so much for your beautiful notes. xoxo Alyce
ReplyDelete