1,000 words are....

...equal to 12 words written from the heart of my late husband.

Found today June 20, 2012

Tomorrow will be five months since my husband was murdered by a cancer that he had no chance of beating.

Is it a coincidence that I found this today, hidden above the refrigerator where he wanted to keep it hidden from me.  He knew I couldn't reach that high and the chances of me climbing up were nil.

I was asked to help write a speech given by the Maid of Honor of a wedding.  I was able to write the one liners without a problem.  For god's sake I'm a writer.  Then I was asked to write more about the art of marriage.  I was left without a thought in my head.

Eric and I separated two times before promising each other that we'd be together always.  Writing the speech was more about the hard part than the great part.  Everybody knows how a married couple are best friends, laugh together, share the love of the same movies --- but what does anybody know about the hardest times of their new life together, the lost job, the fights about money, the screaming about the kids, the why didn't you get home in time, the I never thought I'd be caring for a paraplegic.   There was no hesitation in what I knew it was my duty to my husband as his wife.  He should feel comfortable enough with me and my love to allow me to care for his most personal needs.  I did it without judgement, with sadness for his new weakness, sorrow as he buried his head in shame.

How can you say these things to two people during the one day these two people believe and think only about the good, not the "real" that occurs when two people blend.

Don't look for perfection, look for protection, safety, love, and integrity. The promise between Eric and me in 2008 (6 years after our initial I do's) were far more significant than the "this is gonna be great" vows.

It wasn't always great, sometimes it wasn't even good.  In the end, I gave him my best from my heart.  I thought it too depressing to tell the truth to two people who I don't know, about the reality of what it takes to stay married.  Two people who don't realize how hard "real life" is.  I hope someone sat them down and gave them examples of "I need you now!" or "I can tell I have to man the boat while you can't" scenarios.

I have a feeling the speech will be about the great pair they make, how they'll always be happy, how things will run so smoothly for them.  

I wish this for them as well.