Where are we going

I haven't written for a few days because, quite frankly, I hate writing about stuff that is just crappy all the time.  But the truth is this is crappy situation.  I am sure that those of you who know me know that crappy would not be the word of choice.  A much stronger word would be needed but I really can't think of one right this second.  Give me a chance and I'm sure I'll come through.  So, here we go.

This is what my life feels like

Where are we going to go when my darling husband passes.  It feels like we're going to go to nowhere.  I know that nowhere doesn't exist, but in my mind, right now, it exists and we've got a one way ticket.  This is the road that it feels like we're traveling on.  If you notice you see nothing at the end.   Everyone has a future that is unknown.  We did not know on February 15th when my husband entered the hospital that reaching his birthday on January 17th would be in question.

The family dynamic in 2012 has changed from 1950 and there are many single parent homes due to divorce.  I understand there are many widows.  These women were married to men who lived a full life, I don't count those gals.   Googling how many widows are there that are 45 with three young children.  Didn't google easily so I left it alone.  I mean, does it matter?  I wanted to know exactly how many people are suffering exactly as I am.  Misery loves company perhaps?  


Everyone tells me, my children will be "just fine".   Then we talk and site all of the examples of children who have excelled in spite of the shitty cards they were dealt.   It will soon be my responsibility, alone, to help them through this journey of life.  I believe that they will be o.k. in the long run...it's the short run that is breaking my heart.  I literally mean it's breaking.  It physically hurts.


To watch this process from a wife's perspective is so much different than from a mother's perspective.  Both suck but are so different.  With children you weep for your children differently than for your yourself or even your  husband.  Occasionally, like yesterday I wept for myself.  I cried and cried until I had no tears.  My friends and my Dad were here to hold my hands and rub my head.   It helped immensely.  But like any other chronic illness,  grief doesn't go away with a rub of ones head.  It takes time to heal....I understand a long long time.  I wish I had a time/date certain of when I will feel o.k. again.   Whether I cry or not I feel like I've just sobbed for hours and hours.


In March of 2008 my husband was on a chair sitting next to me and promised he would always be there for my kids and me.  That's not going to happen.  I understand that there are those that believe that people who pass watch over us and help guide us through.  


Things are changing now by the moment.  The nurse is here...there are issues....


Think of my children when you have a moment.