Went out on a Saturday night....

...for the first time since D-Day

Best Girl evah and she just happens to be by cousin!

Best Boy-Friend I have.  Who could resist the slab
of meat known as his tongue!

Men/boys rarely exist and look like this AND I meet them.

It's not at all what it looks like.

Not wiping anything off the side of my mouth.
I'm a woman not a girl.

Looks like a great time I know.  It was actually.  Took a limo downtown - we met my Best Non-Sexual'ish boyfriend down there at a bar/restaurant I had never been to.  I haven't gone downtown much (maybe not at all), in the last 11 or so years.  Hasn't changed much.

Plenty of compliments, but as usual not one man bought me a drink.  I must have a look like, who me, nah I can buy my own $14.00 lemon drop martini, who needs ya?  It's a disease I've always had.  Pretty girl in a corner with no boy asking her to dance.  I know it....wowaz me.  Not that I wold've danced with anyone...well maybe I would've dance with the Mario Lopez + Brad Pitt = "What the hell was his name" Yeah, pretty sure I would've.  Although if the math was right I know he could be my son, but he could easily have children that could easily be my grandchildren.  Now I feel so much better.

So, this was Saturday night.  One am called the limo we had postponed from midnight to one - got in the cab and laid my head back.  I was without a man, but was with my cousin who was kind enough to rub my head.  I know she loves me as I love her.  It's not in the, "I feel obligated to tell you I love you because I felt compelled to say it, but because I felt it and meant it.  I've decided I don't say I love you "lightly"  (So many <3 - xoxoxo - I love you's going around.  Makes the "real" I love you's almost questionable.)  I don't just enjoy her company I love her completely.  Never see each other, but we never really need to.  She's part of me and I'm grateful for the love we share.

She did agree that Mr. Mario Pitt was worth a trip around the block as did I.....Then the question came - what was to gain?  I certainly was flattered (I think) that he came into our car.  But once in there, I didn't have much to say, or wanted much to do, (in the you know what you think I mean.)  It wasn't even because it was "too soon" after my husbands' death, it was that, well, I was never a great slut.

Never had guys fawning all over me and waiting in line to ask me out.  I know there is a talent behind it as I've witnessed it.  Women who think they got the "swagger" when all they got is not much of anything behind the "swag"  Now me, I ain't got no swag.  I might even be allergic to the 3 second double stare.  The one that says, "I'm interested."  Blech

Sizing up a new daddy for my kids is not what I'm thinking either.  Will you be a good daddy to my children?  I'm as ready as the next chick to make sure I don't screw this up.  Friends - honesty - integrity - and all of the rest of the usual stuff comes first - then comes baby in the baby carriage.  Well, my baby, but it is a baby after all.

What I was doing was sitting and looking around at the prospects that were around.  I'm dead in the water.  Being with someone before they lost their hair, got a belly, and started farting out loud is one thing....but meeting them after the sunshine has faded is just way too much.  Is it too much to ask that a "young" 30 something would be disgusted and repulsed by:

A. A 46 y.o. woman *in May
B. Three children - 10 y.o. twins & a 20 m.o. baby
C. No chance of having bio children unless we get a surrogate.  And then I'll be just about fifty with a
     newborn.
D. Kinda done "doing" it for sport.  Why for the love are young girls giving blow-jobs to get boys to like
     them?
E. Smarter than they are - just on the wisdom alone - and they probably know that.
F. I know their music AND my music.

Sunday I cried.  I realized OMG I am single and alone.  Oh sure, you'll write to me and tell me how fabulous I am and it takes time.  I get that.  But time is weird.  A year to wait for a vacation seems endless - waiting a year to die seems like a second and an eternity.  I never actually thought when Eric died he'd be dead.  I had a horrible dream about him the other night.   We weren't yellers, and a matter of fact, the conversations we had were so distracted by the fact that he spoke so slowly and I couldn't interrupt that as a former New Yorker I wanted to rip my own head off of my own body.  I woke up thinking, there is no way I'm talking to that douchebag.  Literally, after I was up for about 10 seconds I realized I was both correct and incorrect.  I will keep talking to him and he'll keep ignoring me.  Not far from regular marriage I guess.

I cried not for me and my new reality, but for this little girl who wouldn't be able to have someone love her like this.  Hold her heart in his heart.  Be her Daddy.  Yet, I hope against hope that someday my children will be able to feel love like, or similar, this from someone other than me.  Yeah I know it won't happen, but a gal can dream.  I miss this for my children.  Watching myself cry in the mirror is a release.  Watching my children cry with such sorrow is as heartbreaking as you could not imagine.

Every one of us hates our "new normal".  All for different reasons, but none the less it sucks.

The kids miss their hero - mentor - teacher - heart.  I miss what was sure.



Alyce