...I have the uncanny knack

...to make everything - even tragedy seem simple.

In politics the people that judge your administration are called historians.  It takes a few decades to determine whether a President (for example) was a good/bad President.  The repercussions of ones behavior cannot be studied until way after the decisions have been made and the end of the game has been reached.

I am making decisions daily that will effect my entire family directly.  I am supposed to wait 20 years to find out if I fucked up or not?  UGH.   I will be moving my family out of the only home they have in their memories.  A two year commitment (with contracts and all) have been drawn to lock us into a new life for the next 48 months.  According to my original point - this decision cannot be judged until my children are themselves married with children.

My mind has been spinning wondering if I'm making the right move.  It's a huge emotional, physical, and financial decision.  What does one do when faced with a decision, you might ask?   Go visit their dead husband and ask his opinion.

The tree where you live.   Thank you for our chat.

Sitting and talking with you today was nice.  Clearing up some issue we had (or starting to) was pretty cathartic.  Asking if you agree with the decisions I'm making (still haven't got feedback on that one.)  But, I was able to remember that if something was really important to me you would agree after the fourth or fifth conversation.   Rest assured, I am aware that you would NEVER make the decision I have made without many conversations with pros/cons and lists up the ass.

At the end of our conversation I went to my car and had a sort of epiphany.  You died 6 months and 2 days ago and I have been unable to figure out what to write on your headstone.  I'd say I've thought about it 90% of the days since you've been gone.  What to write?  It just never came to me.  

First Name, Last Name, DOB, DOD

When a daddy dies they deserve more than that just the facts - they deserve a testament to who they were and what their legacy means.

Writing a  forever message to the father of my children through their eyes was more than impossible.  It was horrendous.  What to write came to me after my visit today.

You passed on integrity, love, wisdom, and honor to our children....

...our children's behavior is evident of your legacy.

My children don't know what I wrote and I don't feel comfortable writing it here.  I feel that our children will touch their Dad's headstone and feel a connection to the words I have finally been able to write for them.

Being able to write this does not mean that I will have no reason to think of you any longer.  I think of you daily as I look at the wonderful children we had together.   

With love,

Alyce