I don't even like music.

I honestly don't listen to much music, but in the last two blogs (this one included) I have used songs as the backdrop to what I'm thinking.


In 1999 shortly after Train left San Fansisco in a $1000 van and came to a Chicago Festival - I was there. I saw Train for FREE.  I then became a fan.  Going to all venues where Train was playing- meeting their parents and both their parents and I were in awe of their talent.


Train is coming to Chicago on August 11 and 12 this will be 13 years after I first saw them..  (My kids come back from camp August 10; perfect.)  "Wanna see train," I asked them.  "Yay!!!!"  Train tickets are now $250 per person on the cheap end shitty seats.  Ugh, I remember when I met your mothers I wanted to call and tell them.   Short story long, we decided NOT to go see them.


Crazy Train rant, anyway.......


....I am moving my family - myself and my three children.  Moving them to another place, another direction, another chapter in their lives.  Just me.  


I
I
I
I
I


What if  I make the wrong move
What if I take them on a the wrong path
What if I screw up this whole plan.


I'm so sick to death of IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.   I shouldn't have been forced to make these life decisions for all of us.  I was supposed to be 80% of the decision making - NOT 100%.  You know it's true.  Women in a relationship make the decisions almost all of the time.  Well now I get the privilege of owning the other 20%.  All mine.  Like my two year old says, "Mine, mine, mine, mine."  This phrase can drive anyone insane.  I'm almost there, insane I mean.


After a few far away trips alone I found our new home.  Yes, I did it!  I found are new  home was.   Everyone fit in this home so perfectly.   Not everyone was there as they were supposed to be, but everyone who is here, had their place.


My husband has been dead for 4 months and 1 day.  January 21st 2012 is when he was killed by cancer and today is May 22nd.


Yesterday, I was told the "perfect" home was no longer available to us.  More than a few times I asked, "Is this a done deal?", to be told yes don't worry.  Nobody's fault really.  Another family, the family who own this home decided as I had that this is the home for them.  I get it.


 Calling All Angels - Please let me know what to do

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

Calling all you angels 

Love you,

Alyce