Dear Mama... July 8, 2012

...please kiss Lorelei for her birthday for me.  I miss you and love you so much.  Can you please put flowers on daddies grave.




WHAT??????????


My oldest darling daughter who is at overnight camp sent me a two sentence note and one of them was asking that I put flowers on her dead father's grave. 


Seque:


I didn't have a celebratory party for my daughter's 2nd birthday.  How could I throw a party for her when her daddy isn't here to celebrate with her.  Oh, sure it'll be easy for people to say, "Let her enjoy her day." OR "It's better if you celebrate, after all it is her birthday."  Well, I just didn't.  Her brother and sister are away at camp and it was only me left at home.  Well, of course my mom was with us...but, ugh, well you know what I'm saying.


When I tucked in my baby that night I kissed her forehead and apologized to her for not having done enough to help save her daddy.  I told her that her daddy loves her and misses her and he would be here to celebrate her birthday with her if he could.  I left out the "because he's dead" part.   Another day that I can't wait for.  The, I bet you're wondering why most of your friends have daddies and you don't conversation.


Seque:


Today I found out that my 10 y.o. son was prevented from participating in a fun event at overnight camp.  Why was he punished you might wonder.  I was told that two boys were fighting and my son threw sand at one of them.  I was then told that he threw the sand because my son said, "I was protecting my friends' honor."  Let me add that the Unit Head said to me, Harrison said Quote  .... blah .... blah... honor End Quote.


What a fascinating story that is when I think about it.  Just to be fair there were NO counselors around during this argument amongst the boys.  I don't run a camp but if you put 15- 10 y.o. boys in camp in a cabin alone someone's gonna lose a limb.  


Anyway..........


My son cried for forgiveness for the next 3 hours I was told.  Saying that "my daddy is looking down on me and is disappointed in me."  The answer to him was, we all make mistakes and your daddy is proud that you owned up to it.


Let me just say - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?


I don't agree with laying your hands on someone else and neither did my late husband.   Together we taught our children about honor, standing up for what you believe in, telling the truth, being happy, and so many other things.  I know Eric would be so proud that Harrison was trying to protect his friends honor.  My son, (who isn't very tall), told the counselors that his friend was small and couldn't defend himself.  


My son is neither aggressive physically or emotionally.  He is a gentle person.   His empathy dwarfs that of most people I know. His selflessness is to be admired.  So when he is standing up for his friends' honor and he is punished - what is the life fucking lesson???????  After hearing the story I originally said to the counselor - "Good job.  This'll be a good life lesson for him not to put his hands on someone else."  I admit now and for the world to know - that was one of the most moronic things I've ever said.  I'm so grateful that life affords you the opportunity to call a "DO OVER" at will.  


Tomorrow is DO-OVER day.


Tomorrow I get to pick up my children and take them to lunch.  I'm surprising them by bringing the baby, my parents, and their favorite non-sister sister P'Hanie.    (As a total random side note that won't mean much to any of you - I want you to know Stephie - you have made a profound impact on the hearts of my children and myself.  You are part of us always and we love you.)


Anyway..............


After we have lunch and the twins drain my bank account by a couple hundred dollars in Target, I will have a meeting with the camp.    I will ask them if they have a friend that is willing to fight for them.  I will tell them that everyone should have a Harrison in their life.  Someone who is willing to fight for them.  Throw themselves in front of what danger comes their way.  


I am my children's Harrison.  I love them so much - more than myself.  You'll get that if you're a parent, and if you're not I hope for you that you are/have a Harrison.


Today I will hug my children and explain to them that the way they lead their lives is a testament to their dad and myself.  How clear it is that they have absorbed the lessons we taught them as parent(s) and the lessons I will continue to teach them as a lone parent.   They are not without their father - as his morals and values continue to be present in their hearts and actions.  




With love,


Alyce