...what do you need to have a...

...picnic?

I found out yesterday that I had thrown an impromptu picnic.  In all honesty I had no idea what this person was talking about.

Sure we were outside.  Outside long enough that I brought out a few drinks, (my favorite honey mustard pretzel) pieces with string mozzarella cheese, and my friend and I sat on my front porch for hours just talking.

It's interesting to think how I feel so thankful for people wanting to spend time with me.  Really, they could be doing anything but sitting with me for hours and hours just talking.  I must have talked a lot because I was actually called a narcissist at one point in the conversation.

- As a side not that was the second time THAT day I was called a narcissist.
- On the other side I was called generous by four people the day prior.

I think that makes me a hubris philanthropist.

People's time has become very important to me.  How much of "their" time is spent with me because they choose to spend it with me has become kinda really important to me.  Imagine all of the things people can be doing other than spending time with YOU and they chose you.  That's kind of  a big deal because people's time is finite.

Oh god, this is so over the top deep.  I absolutely need to get my funny back...or at least throw my deep OUT!

O.k.   Back to being grateful for time.  There is nothing that I loathe more than spending time with people I don't really want to be with.  Why do we do that?  Why do we spend our finite time with people we're either ambivalent about or just don't like?  Crazy, I think is why we do it.

If everyone knew they only had a year - a month - a week - or a day until they died who would they choose to spend that time with?  Of course, most people don't think in this way.  Holy shit, what if I find out tomorrow that I only have a year to live...I gotta figure out who I want to spend time with.

In August of 2011 I knew my late husband would be dead on or around his birthday the following January.  That's five months.  I chose to tell nobody about this news I received from the doctor.  I didn't think it was fair that I tell a father he has about five more months of watching his kids smile.  I thought it would be too much for him to handle and what if they were wrong, and what if he just gave up....So, I said nothing.

In saying nothing I also didn't give him the opportunity to spend his time as he would have wanted had he known he had very limited visits left.  It wasn't actually until December that he started to have those "scheduled memory picnics" with those he had been close with throughout his lifetime.  He chose on his own that December was his time to say good-bye.

The confusing part is maybe he should've spent more time with these people before December.   After all by December he knew his time was quickly coming to an end and he did choose to picnic with these people.  I imagine that these people were very honored to have been asked to picnic by Eric as his death was drawing more and more near.

So, this is my point.  I think...

I am grateful to those that are choosing to spend time with me while they're living and not wait until they are dying.

Thank you so much for either coming over or inviting me over to be with you.  Thank you for sitting and listening and taking with me for hours and hours when you could've been anywhere else.

I'm not gonna wait til I'm dying.

Alyce

...one of the most impossible things to do...

Seize the Day "In Real Life"

So many have experienced their hardest days and have sworn that....

'FROM NOW ON I WILL SEIZE THE DAY.!!

Many a book has been written on living in the now...as a matter of fact I have a tattoo in a secret place that says just that - GUESS WHAT???  Try as I may I don't always live in the now.

So much of living in the now relates to how our ego responds to outside circumstances.  

I'm fairly sure I could not be more deep than right this second.  Ha

Two days ago I was told by three different people that I was "generous."  Looking around at who they were talking about....I was told they were talking about me.  I was shocked.  One of those, c'mon now moments.  "Are you fucking kidding me?", was of course my reaction.  After many, "Are you kidding" and "Me?" and "Can you give me an example of something I might have done?"  Finally, I was told to say thank you and I did.

Today, I had another conversation where I was asked to explain myself about a statement I had made.  Let me say that I knew and understood exactly what I was saying as I was saying it....However, when called out on it, I asked if it was possible that I might not explain what I mean.  

OF ALL THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET SOMEHOW 
I HAVE BECOME UNABLE OR UNWILLING 
TO EXPRESS A STATEMENT.

I swore after Eric's death I wouldn't let opportunities skip by me because there might not be another opportunity.

No more I wish I woulda been more honest and said what I really meant.

It wasn't gonna be me who would continue to tolerate the round-a-bout way of speaking that I'd been learning for the last 14 years.  

Nope, not me, I'm gonna do what I WANT and say what I WANT.

...except of course when GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY 

Most people ain't gonna put their ass out their if they might get spanked (metaphorically'ish).  Long story LONG I was pushed enough that I actually said out loud what I was thinking in my head.  

How have I not learned my lesson of "time if precious" or "you just never know"???????  UGH..What a pathetic way of NOT learning a lesson and not allowing a tragedy to be the impetus for change.  

What will he, she, they, or those think, say, do about something I might, want, or already have done??

Most people would say, "You Alyce?  C'mon you'll say anything."  Essentially that's true....Unless of course it involves my real deep ego.  

Once again, I am reminded that I need to be able to give myself permission to not give a shit what I might think of a decision that I make.  

I'll try to do better...

Boy, is my mother going to need to edit this.

With love,

Alyce

There aren't many days that are....

...unexpected - easy - right

Those of you who have followed my story from the beginning know that I have 10 y.o. boy/girl twins and a beautiful 2 y.o. daughter.  My late husband was diagnosed with cancer 2/17/11 and died 1/21/12 a short 11 months later.

Tears, sadness, anger, relief, thinking, thinking thinking, thinking, acceptance, fear, openness.

My children are and have been my number one joy and also have given me my most intense feelings of despair.  My son told a new friend of mine that he trusted me to make correct decisions.  I'm not fucking up so badly, I think as I heard his words.

I'm having a sale at my home of the things that I thought were my life.  They certainly have monetary value, but I've also learned that these things have emotional value.  As the two days progressed (of selling my "stuff") I became less and less married to the financial side of the stuff and started to embrace more of emotional value.  


The memories have become far more important than how many cents on the dollar I'm getting for an $11,000 couch.  A memory of my oldest daughter's hair being stroked by her father on that couch.  Beautiful memories, that I get to carry in my head - so much more important than any of the things I own in my home. (I must say there is some shit I'm happy to be getting rid of and some things that are just so hard.)

Yesterday I met so many new people.   These strangers helped me prepare my home to sell my objects.  They did it without asking, without expecting anything - they helped kinda because they wanted to.  What a beautiful gift of generosity they gave to me.


I met a pleasant and surprisingly familiar person.  He stayed without being asked by me from afternoon through evening.  "What else ya got for me to do", he asked without hesitation.  After already doing so much for me I felt embarrassed to ask for more chores to be done, so instead I asked for some of his time.  We talked, laughed, bantered, (we did go to a supermarket), but it was kinda nice.  

I dare say almost normal

How can one not feel grateful for a day of "normal."  I do feel grateful.  Today, was the first day of the unexpected doesn't always have to suck..I do hope that I'll have more days of almost  normal.

Goooooooooo with the flow - Live in the Now, Be Present

Now didn't suck.

1,000 words are....

...equal to 12 words written from the heart of my late husband.

Found today June 20, 2012

Tomorrow will be five months since my husband was murdered by a cancer that he had no chance of beating.

Is it a coincidence that I found this today, hidden above the refrigerator where he wanted to keep it hidden from me.  He knew I couldn't reach that high and the chances of me climbing up were nil.

I was asked to help write a speech given by the Maid of Honor of a wedding.  I was able to write the one liners without a problem.  For god's sake I'm a writer.  Then I was asked to write more about the art of marriage.  I was left without a thought in my head.

Eric and I separated two times before promising each other that we'd be together always.  Writing the speech was more about the hard part than the great part.  Everybody knows how a married couple are best friends, laugh together, share the love of the same movies --- but what does anybody know about the hardest times of their new life together, the lost job, the fights about money, the screaming about the kids, the why didn't you get home in time, the I never thought I'd be caring for a paraplegic.   There was no hesitation in what I knew it was my duty to my husband as his wife.  He should feel comfortable enough with me and my love to allow me to care for his most personal needs.  I did it without judgement, with sadness for his new weakness, sorrow as he buried his head in shame.

How can you say these things to two people during the one day these two people believe and think only about the good, not the "real" that occurs when two people blend.

Don't look for perfection, look for protection, safety, love, and integrity. The promise between Eric and me in 2008 (6 years after our initial I do's) were far more significant than the "this is gonna be great" vows.

It wasn't always great, sometimes it wasn't even good.  In the end, I gave him my best from my heart.  I thought it too depressing to tell the truth to two people who I don't know, about the reality of what it takes to stay married.  Two people who don't realize how hard "real life" is.  I hope someone sat them down and gave them examples of "I need you now!" or "I can tell I have to man the boat while you can't" scenarios.

I have a feeling the speech will be about the great pair they make, how they'll always be happy, how things will run so smoothly for them.  

I wish this for them as well.

Living a Life of Insanity...

The process of going through my home to make the keep, throw, sell piles in order to move started yesterday.

I had to physically go through boxes and distribute them to their correct place.  This is absolutely NOT something I am used to doing.  When Eric was alive I'd kinda stroll around whatever room he was working on.  Looking busy was my specialty.  It's not that I didn't want to help because I did.  I just didn't want to have to actually do anything to help.  Although I was the one that offered up to my husband - the turkey sandwich on white with one slice of swiss and ZERO condiments....oh and a glass of coke light ice.

Holy shit, there is so much to do to get my family moved I actually think I just might be going insane.  Day two of the home organization to move I:

• Lost a product I need, ordered, it arrived yesterday and I have lost it today.  I have spent more time looking for this tiny product today than I did looking for a wedding band I had lost.

• A safe of ours with all of our important paper, that NEVER EVER NEVER EVER locks, has someone locked.  

• Today, I was made aware that the "new" school needs more information regarding my son - I cannot even explain the "the district isn't available until after the summer" to me thinking "wait, I think I have a copy" to "where the fuck would I put that copy?"

• I realized I lost the same credit card that I have lost twice in the last six weeks.  Thanks to my banker they're overnighting it.  I shouldn't miss but one day to hemorrhage money.

• I did manage to bathe my 2 year old with absolutely no issue.  Whew

• Taking to my bed is what I've decided to do.  Here I am in bed alone, eating honey mustard pretzel pieces and string cheese.  My bedtime snack of choice.  If I'm really feeling crazy I wrap the cheese around the pretzel.  I usually skip it as it takes far too long to wrap.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again when it doesn't work.  Personally, I think the definition is doing crazy, stupid, forgetful shit all day long.  Whether it's all the same or all totally unrelated.

Meditation would be the answer to my problems.  The chance to get out of your own head and think of nothing.  Meditation is not something you can buy cliff notes for and become a master meditation guru. It takes practice and practice to find that place of, ommmmmmm, zen.  Now that I think about it that's probably why prescription meds are so popular...who has time to practice zen when you can take a pill and immediately'ish zen.

So, here I am laying or lying not sure which is correct eating the last of my snack and thinking thinking thinking of all of the 100 thousand gazillion things I need to do.  Hold on a second - this is why people have assistance otherwise known as "wives."  I wonder where I can get one of these.  Of course she'd have to be strong like a man...I guess a man would be better for this situation but I just cannot imagine listening to someone be right when I'm the Captain of this ship!  I need a first mate or something like that.  

My late husband...oh a funny story first...I said "late" husband to someone in front of my son.  He said, "Why do you keep saying Dad is late?  He's not late he's just not coming."  From the mouths of babes.

Anyway, my husband would have made 45 lists of priorities.  Not that much would get done but we'd be listed up.  We'd have a plan, but would have so many lists it would be hard for me to understand and execute on any of the plans.  With that said, there was NEVER a time that Eric had an important task to do that he didn't come in on time and over budget.

The note cards are coming out tomorrow.  I'll use a marker instead of a pen.  I'll write a big number 1 on the most important thing that needs to get done, then a 2 then a 3...Then I'll realize I had forgotten something and redo the list.  I think what I'm trying to say just might be that tomorrow is a mental health day as opposed to continuing to complicate an already complicated situation with insanity.

To the Father of My Children...

Three Beautiful Children That You Created

Another first.  Today is the first Father's Day since you died almost five months ago.

• Does it make you less of a father now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make you less of a mentor to our children now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make you less of an example of honor and integrity now that you're dead?  It doesn't
• Does it make it impossible to go to the supermarket to see all the cards for Dads from children whose father is still living?  Yes it does.

Harrison has been looking on the internet for the perfect gift for you.  I'm not sure what he'll do with it, but I know he's determined to find it and buy it.  I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it has something to do with survival.  

Adelaide, being the realist hasn't spoken of this day.  Not once.

Lorelei calls every man she sees Daddy.  I correct her and say either that's a man or guy.   My heart breaks just a little bit every time she says it.  

Then there's me.  The other half of the children we created.  A better father I couldn't have asked for.

I can recall the conversations from your bed near the end of your life.  Regretting the time you didn't spend playing catch with your son or having the ability to dance with your daughter at the next "My Little Princess Dance".  (I was able to have the name of the dance changed from Daddy Daughter dance district wide.  It made Adelaide so sad that we wasn't able to have her daddy dance with her that I did what you would have expected.  I was an advocate for our children.)

It saddens me that you didn't realize all of the gifts you had given to them.  The throw of a ball isn't more important than teaching your son that integrity is what matters.  The example of honesty is not more important than a dance or two.

Harrison meets new people - shakes their hand - looks them in the eye and says - "I'm Harrison, pleasure to meet you."  That comes from your half.  

Adelaide writes down every detail that needs to be done for every event she's involved with.  She prefers sticky notes or a notebook to the note cards you used, but the lists are the same.

Our baby girl has your amazing blue eyes.  Being more like me,  she smiles and waves at everyone who passes her and says either, "Hello" or "Bye Bye."  You got two our of three, I deserve to have one of our children behave like me.

My will needs to be updated in case something should happen to me.  When we sat down with our attorney to plan our estate I never dreamed that one of us would die while our children were still, well, children.  Now I'm faced with what would seem to be an easy task of giving guardianship to someone else in case they become orphans while they're still children.

The list is short of men who promised to be father figures to our children and actually followed through on that promise that was made to you.   I dare say that not one person (excluding my father) has contacted our children.  There are promises to call and promises to take them to do some daddyish things, but they were just that - promises.   Perhaps, I am vetting the process too thoroughly.   That is what "we" would do if we were together.  Discuss, discuss, think, discuss, more discussion, decision.

How do I find a new family for our children in the case that Mother's Day becomes as dreaded as Father's Day?   Everyone has their lives and everyone is busy Eric.  I understand that.  Give people some slack.  I understand that too.  Don't be so emotional about this.  I get it.  But these are our children we're talking about.  There are cards for people who are "like a dad to me" or "like a mom to me", and as of today there isn't anyone that our children would want to buy these cards for.  

Happy Father's Day Daddy We Miss You

I have decided that I will continue to look for the right person/people to love our children.  I have decided the will will remain as it stood when we made it.   My loving Aunt and Uncle will remain as those who will care for our children until I find a family for our children that I trust with their hearts.

I wish you were here and not dead.  I wish we were giving you more cards than you wanted me to buy.   I wish I could have bought you something you would never use from Brookstone.  I wish our children could hold you and tell you how much they love you.

Thank you so much for giving our children the gifts you have given to them.  I hope before your death our 100 talks of your being a father of strength, integrity, safety, and love will live on through our children and then through their children.

We all miss you so very much.

Happy Father's Day Eric.

Love,

Alyce