Why Give A Crap What I Say? It's JUST me.

Why should you give a crap about me? I have no idea... BUT....I want to thank you for joining me on my journey of a super shitty - averagely happy - drama filled - absolutely hilariously funny life.
I clearly feel the need to spill my guts about what is happening in my life to people I don't know. The funniest most off color TRUE stories you've ever heard - and when you least expect it, you'll cry like a baby.

The photo you are seeing is "my" yard in the summer. A home is not a place it is the inhabitants that make it a home.

With love, Alyce

June 17, 2012

To the Father of My Children...

Three Beautiful Children That You Created

Another first.  Today is the first Father's Day since you died almost five months ago.

  • Does it make you less of a father now that you're dead?  It doesn't
  • Does it make you less of a mentor to our children now that you're dead?  It doesn't
  • Does it make you less of an example of honor and integrity now that you're dead?  It doesn't
  • Does it make it impossible to go to the supermarket to see all the cards for Dads from children whose father is still living?  Yes it does.
Harrison has been looking on the internet for the perfect gift for you.  I'm not sure what he'll do with it, but I know he's determined to find it and buy it.  I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it has something to do with survival.  

Adelaide, being the realist hasn't spoken of this day.  Not once.

Lorelei calls every man she sees Daddy.  I correct her and say either that's a man or guy.   My heart breaks just a little bit every time she says it.  

Then there's me.  The other half of the children we created.  A better father I couldn't have asked for.

I can recall the conversations from your bed near the end of your life.  Regretting the time you didn't spend playing catch with your son or having the ability to dance with your daughter at the next "My Little Princess Dance".  (I was able to have the name of the dance changed from Daddy Daughter dance district wide.  It made Adelaide so sad that we wasn't able to have her daddy dance with her that I did what you would have expected.  I was an advocate for our children.)

It saddens me that you didn't realize all of the gifts you had given to them.  The throw of a ball isn't more important than teaching your son that integrity is what matters.  The example of honesty is not more important than a dance or two.

Harrison meets new people - shakes their hand - looks them in the eye and says - "I'm Harrison, pleasure to meet you."  That comes from your half.  

Adelaide writes down every detail that needs to be done for every event she's involved with.  She prefers sticky notes or a notebook to the note cards you used, but the lists are the same.

Our baby girl has your amazing blue eyes.  Being more like me,  she smiles and waves at everyone who passes her and says either, "Hello" or "Bye Bye."  You got two our of three, I deserve to have one of our children behave like me.

My will needs to be updated in case something should happen to me.  When we sat down with our attorney to plan our estate I never dreamed that one of us would die while our children were still, well, children.  Now I'm faced with what would seem to be an easy task of giving guardianship to someone else in case they become orphans while they're still children.

The list is short of men who promised to be father figures to our children and actually followed through on that promise that was made to you.   I dare say that not one person (excluding my father) has contacted our children.  There are promises to call and promises to take them to do some daddyish things, but they were just that - promises.   Perhaps, I am vetting the process too thoroughly.   That is what "we" would do if we were together.  Discuss, discuss, think, discuss, more discussion, decision.

How do I find a new family for our children in the case that Mother's Day becomes as dreaded as Father's Day?   Everyone has their lives and everyone is busy Eric.  I understand that.  Give people some slack.  I understand that too.  Don't be so emotional about this.  I get it.  But these are our children we're talking about.  There are cards for people who are "like a dad to me" or "like a mom to me", and as of today there isn't anyone that our children would want to buy these cards for.  
Happy Father's Day Daddy We Miss You

I have decided that I will continue to look for the right person/people to love our children.  I have decided the will will remain as it stood when we made it.   My loving Aunt and Uncle will remain as those who will care for our children until I find a family for our children that I trust with their hearts.

I wish you were here and not dead.  I wish we were giving you more cards than you wanted me to buy.   I wish I could have bought you something you would never use from Brookstone.  I wish our children could hold you and tell you how much they love you.

Thank you so much for giving our children the gifts you have given to them.  I hope before your death our 100 talks of your being a father of strength, integrity, safety, and love will live on through our children and then through their children.

We all miss you so very much.

Happy Father's Day Eric.



1 comment:

  1. Very touching...we're with you all.


Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. Love - Alyce