Happy Birthday Eric 2013

Dear Eric,                                                                                                                     1/16/13

It is the day before your 49th birthday.  I can’t help but point out the obvious, that you’re dead, and won’t be able to eat cake with us.   Last year, at this time, I promised that we would celebrate your birthday year after year.  I promised we would discuss your life...there would be laughter along with tears.  This is the first of your birthdays after your death...and I don’t know what I can or will do.

I promised a cake would be bought; a wish made; the candles blown out. 
We would remember - we would celebrate.

Your last birthday cake from your babies 

My wish was that you wouldn’t die, begging the birthday wish god, that something would miraculously happen and you’d be spared the fate that was handed to you.  If I was a betting person I would imagine you wished we would be o.k. without you.  My tears were cried behind you so you wouldn’t see the heart wrenching pain I was experiencing.  The candles were blown out by you alone as your wish was so much more important than mine.  I would have another birthday, you would not.

A celebration of your life!!

Your last birthday party was celebrated with our friends and family.  There was laughing and dancing.   Not by you, as you had lost all use of your legs.have been hard for you not being able to get out of bed and participate in the festivities, but it didn’t seem to bother you.  You were, as you always were, a gracious host

Still waiting for this smile to return.

If you remember, Harrison played video games in his room most of the night of your party.   He didn't want to believe this was your last birthday, so he pretended it wasn't.   You'll be happy to know he’s as sensitive a boy now as he was then. He lost his spirit for a few months after your died, but he's back again. I want you to know that him  being by your side during your birthday didn’t mean he loved you less, it meant his heart couldn’t handle the pain of it breaking.

Our baby Lorelei, will cherish this photo always.  Lorelei had just turned 18 months when this picture was taken.  It will be the the only birthday kiss she would give her daddy.  I’m grateful she had one.

Eric, just look at the brave face of our big girl at your birthday party last year.   Her eyes smile less now.  She misses you so very much.  There seems like nothing I can say to help heal her pain.  She asks me all the time, “Do you love me mommy?”  I tell her all the time that I love her, but it’s just not enough.  Even if I doubled the amount of time I gave her my message of love, it still wouldn’t be enough.  

Adelaide wants to hear it from you.  

Kissing you on your birthday last year was so hard.  Knowing it would be the last time I would wish you a “happy” birthday seemed unfair.  Saying “happy” birthday seemed beyond dumb.  Your eyes closed as did mine.  I held onto your face as I usually did, but this time I held you a little more tightly.  Could this be happening to us?   I cried while we kissed. I cried for all of the kisses we would no longer be able to share.

This is the hug I will remember when I need one.  I need one!!

 I want you to know I’m trying to help us be o.k..  I feel like I’m failing miserably...people tell me otherwise.  Last night I showered.  The warm of the water and the steady stream of my back felt like a blanket around me.  I was brought back to a time when you would be holding me-  and your arms were my blanket.  I leaned against the wall to try to be closer to you.  It sounds crazy but I needed to be hugged at that time, and the closest thing to me was a cold wet shower wall.

The words to our wedding song written on your last birthday cake are still true today.

This is the poem I wrote to you for your last birthday.