...I have the uncanny knack

...to make everything - even tragedy seem simple.

In politics the people that judge your administration are called historians.  It takes a few decades to determine whether a President (for example) was a good/bad President.  The repercussions of ones behavior cannot be studied until way after the decisions have been made and the end of the game has been reached.

I am making decisions daily that will effect my entire family directly.  I am supposed to wait 20 years to find out if I fucked up or not?  UGH.   I will be moving my family out of the only home they have in their memories.  A two year commitment (with contracts and all) have been drawn to lock us into a new life for the next 48 months.  According to my original point - this decision cannot be judged until my children are themselves married with children.

My mind has been spinning wondering if I'm making the right move.  It's a huge emotional, physical, and financial decision.  What does one do when faced with a decision, you might ask?   Go visit their dead husband and ask his opinion.

The tree where you live.   Thank you for our chat.

Sitting and talking with you today was nice.  Clearing up some issue we had (or starting to) was pretty cathartic.  Asking if you agree with the decisions I'm making (still haven't got feedback on that one.)  But, I was able to remember that if something was really important to me you would agree after the fourth or fifth conversation.   Rest assured, I am aware that you would NEVER make the decision I have made without many conversations with pros/cons and lists up the ass.

At the end of our conversation I went to my car and had a sort of epiphany.  You died 6 months and 2 days ago and I have been unable to figure out what to write on your headstone.  I'd say I've thought about it 90% of the days since you've been gone.  What to write?  It just never came to me.  

First Name, Last Name, DOB, DOD

When a daddy dies they deserve more than that just the facts - they deserve a testament to who they were and what their legacy means.

Writing a  forever message to the father of my children through their eyes was more than impossible.  It was horrendous.  What to write came to me after my visit today.

You passed on integrity, love, wisdom, and honor to our children....

...our children's behavior is evident of your legacy.

My children don't know what I wrote and I don't feel comfortable writing it here.  I feel that our children will touch their Dad's headstone and feel a connection to the words I have finally been able to write for them.

Being able to write this does not mean that I will have no reason to think of you any longer.  I think of you daily as I look at the wonderful children we had together.   

With love,

Alyce

Dear Mama... July 8, 2012

...please kiss Lorelei for her birthday for me.  I miss you and love you so much.  Can you please put flowers on daddies grave.




WHAT??????????


My oldest darling daughter who is at overnight camp sent me a two sentence note and one of them was asking that I put flowers on her dead father's grave. 


Seque:


I didn't have a celebratory party for my daughter's 2nd birthday.  How could I throw a party for her when her daddy isn't here to celebrate with her.  Oh, sure it'll be easy for people to say, "Let her enjoy her day." OR "It's better if you celebrate, after all it is her birthday."  Well, I just didn't.  Her brother and sister are away at camp and it was only me left at home.  Well, of course my mom was with us...but, ugh, well you know what I'm saying.


When I tucked in my baby that night I kissed her forehead and apologized to her for not having done enough to help save her daddy.  I told her that her daddy loves her and misses her and he would be here to celebrate her birthday with her if he could.  I left out the "because he's dead" part.   Another day that I can't wait for.  The, I bet you're wondering why most of your friends have daddies and you don't conversation.


Seque:


Today I found out that my 10 y.o. son was prevented from participating in a fun event at overnight camp.  Why was he punished you might wonder.  I was told that two boys were fighting and my son threw sand at one of them.  I was then told that he threw the sand because my son said, "I was protecting my friends' honor."  Let me add that the Unit Head said to me, Harrison said Quote  .... blah .... blah... honor End Quote.


What a fascinating story that is when I think about it.  Just to be fair there were NO counselors around during this argument amongst the boys.  I don't run a camp but if you put 15- 10 y.o. boys in camp in a cabin alone someone's gonna lose a limb.  


Anyway..........


My son cried for forgiveness for the next 3 hours I was told.  Saying that "my daddy is looking down on me and is disappointed in me."  The answer to him was, we all make mistakes and your daddy is proud that you owned up to it.


Let me just say - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?


I don't agree with laying your hands on someone else and neither did my late husband.   Together we taught our children about honor, standing up for what you believe in, telling the truth, being happy, and so many other things.  I know Eric would be so proud that Harrison was trying to protect his friends honor.  My son, (who isn't very tall), told the counselors that his friend was small and couldn't defend himself.  


My son is neither aggressive physically or emotionally.  He is a gentle person.   His empathy dwarfs that of most people I know. His selflessness is to be admired.  So when he is standing up for his friends' honor and he is punished - what is the life fucking lesson???????  After hearing the story I originally said to the counselor - "Good job.  This'll be a good life lesson for him not to put his hands on someone else."  I admit now and for the world to know - that was one of the most moronic things I've ever said.  I'm so grateful that life affords you the opportunity to call a "DO OVER" at will.  


Tomorrow is DO-OVER day.


Tomorrow I get to pick up my children and take them to lunch.  I'm surprising them by bringing the baby, my parents, and their favorite non-sister sister P'Hanie.    (As a total random side note that won't mean much to any of you - I want you to know Stephie - you have made a profound impact on the hearts of my children and myself.  You are part of us always and we love you.)


Anyway..............


After we have lunch and the twins drain my bank account by a couple hundred dollars in Target, I will have a meeting with the camp.    I will ask them if they have a friend that is willing to fight for them.  I will tell them that everyone should have a Harrison in their life.  Someone who is willing to fight for them.  Throw themselves in front of what danger comes their way.  


I am my children's Harrison.  I love them so much - more than myself.  You'll get that if you're a parent, and if you're not I hope for you that you are/have a Harrison.


Today I will hug my children and explain to them that the way they lead their lives is a testament to their dad and myself.  How clear it is that they have absorbed the lessons we taught them as parent(s) and the lessons I will continue to teach them as a lone parent.   They are not without their father - as his morals and values continue to be present in their hearts and actions.  




With love,


Alyce

...so many things to juggle

...so many many many things to juggle.

The sale of almost everything I have ever earned in my lifetime is going to be sold.

That sale starts in 36 hours.

It's not the "stuff" that's the hard part.  It's the memories of what occurred on - around - or near the stuff that's the hard part.  Everything has meaning, or memory, or reason it's been kept.  Kept - even if the reason is I didn't know it was even there so I haven't had the chance to throw it out.  (way run on sentence)

Going through "MY" clothes from years of working and then not and then working - Anyway, I'm selling anything I own that I've worked in.   I have donated work clothing before, BUT NEVER ALL OF IT!!!  

Going through "MY" clothes from years of stopping and starting at the gym.  (I did keep some workout apparel "just in case" I decide to work out again.)

Going through "MY" shoes I decided NOT to throw out the "blue" shoes I wore when Eric and I married.  I kept the little bag I carried that day.   The bag was baby blue too.

Going through "MY" dresses I found my baby girl's 1st birthday dress.  It was just beautiful, she looked beautiful, the pictures of our family looked so beautiful.   Our lives were imploding.

Eric was admitted to the hospital February 16, 2011 and diagnosed with kidney cancer that same week.  By July, 2011 we both knew he wouldn't see his baby daughters' next birthday party dress.  

Our baby is only going to be 2 years old and her father has been dead for 5 months.  Very soon he'll be dead longer than the 16 months she had known her daddy.  BUT, I will keep the dress she wore for the birthday she shared with her dead and give it her when she's old enough. 

She'll say:

"Ya see this dress it's the most beautiful dress in the world.....I wore this to the best birthday party of my life .... cause my Dad was there when I wore it."

Eric's clothes.  I decided now would be a good time to sell them.  There will be some people who come who can't find work and NEED a suit or a button down shirt and I have those.  I thoughts I would line Eric's suits on a rack and put a price tag on it.  Selling it to someone more needy for them than I am is what should probably happen.  

It's NOT Gonna Happen!!

I'm not going to sell my late husband's clothes.  I want to for so many different reasons.   Most of which make no logical sense.  None of what's happening makes sense.

The only thing that kinda makes sense is I absolutely have the deep understanding of what my responsibility is to my entire family.  

Anxious is how I felt when I started to write this.  Feeling like life was running me a bit as opposed to me running it.  Then I remembered that nothing really happens unless I let it.  Sure, I can't control outside things, like what people do, but I can control how I react to it.

DAY 2

While I was writing last night I received a call from the Camp where my kids are spending the summer.   They found two ticks on my son.  The ticks combined with a rash and a low grade fever worried the nurse.  She needed to check his genitals (WHAT?) to make sure no ticks crawled up there.  Harrison was absolutely hysterical when I spoke to him.  Not to worry, you stay clothed and I'll be there as soon as I can.

I left all of my thoughts of how overwhelmed I was from all that was going on and focused only on getting to my son to make sure he was o.k..  When I got there he ran to me and threw himself onto me.  Kissing and hugging me and telling me how grateful he was I came to him.  "Of course I did," I told him.

The nurse explained that he needs to go to the doctor to make sure he does not have a DISEASE and he made need to get a SHOT.  (Um, hello???????????????  I thought I spoke to everyone at the camp about my children's father having just died.  Apparently, the memo didn't get to this nurse.  Reassuring my son that NO he did NOT have a "disease" and that we don't know that he NEEDS a shot, he started to feel better.

My boy and I were having a private chat - Nurse Rachitt kept peaking her head in trying to hurry up the process of making my son feel at ease.  I told her, "We'll let you know when we're finished."  "That was awesome Mom," Harrison told me.

We discussed the dance he went to, (with a girl).  She's cute, smart, and funny.  He told me kids are saying that they're dating and he asked me how he would know if they're dating.


DAY 5


I am not going to be able to finish these thoughts - so I'm sharing them as my life is.  Crazy, changing, sad, lonely, happy, relaxed, exhausting!!!!!!!!