...so many things to juggle

...so many many many things to juggle.

The sale of almost everything I have ever earned in my lifetime is going to be sold.

That sale starts in 36 hours.

It's not the "stuff" that's the hard part.  It's the memories of what occurred on - around - or near the stuff that's the hard part.  Everything has meaning, or memory, or reason it's been kept.  Kept - even if the reason is I didn't know it was even there so I haven't had the chance to throw it out.  (way run on sentence)

Going through "MY" clothes from years of working and then not and then working - Anyway, I'm selling anything I own that I've worked in.   I have donated work clothing before, BUT NEVER ALL OF IT!!!  

Going through "MY" clothes from years of stopping and starting at the gym.  (I did keep some workout apparel "just in case" I decide to work out again.)

Going through "MY" shoes I decided NOT to throw out the "blue" shoes I wore when Eric and I married.  I kept the little bag I carried that day.   The bag was baby blue too.

Going through "MY" dresses I found my baby girl's 1st birthday dress.  It was just beautiful, she looked beautiful, the pictures of our family looked so beautiful.   Our lives were imploding.

Eric was admitted to the hospital February 16, 2011 and diagnosed with kidney cancer that same week.  By July, 2011 we both knew he wouldn't see his baby daughters' next birthday party dress.  

Our baby is only going to be 2 years old and her father has been dead for 5 months.  Very soon he'll be dead longer than the 16 months she had known her daddy.  BUT, I will keep the dress she wore for the birthday she shared with her dead and give it her when she's old enough. 

She'll say:

"Ya see this dress it's the most beautiful dress in the world.....I wore this to the best birthday party of my life .... cause my Dad was there when I wore it."

Eric's clothes.  I decided now would be a good time to sell them.  There will be some people who come who can't find work and NEED a suit or a button down shirt and I have those.  I thoughts I would line Eric's suits on a rack and put a price tag on it.  Selling it to someone more needy for them than I am is what should probably happen.  

It's NOT Gonna Happen!!

I'm not going to sell my late husband's clothes.  I want to for so many different reasons.   Most of which make no logical sense.  None of what's happening makes sense.

The only thing that kinda makes sense is I absolutely have the deep understanding of what my responsibility is to my entire family.  

Anxious is how I felt when I started to write this.  Feeling like life was running me a bit as opposed to me running it.  Then I remembered that nothing really happens unless I let it.  Sure, I can't control outside things, like what people do, but I can control how I react to it.

DAY 2

While I was writing last night I received a call from the Camp where my kids are spending the summer.   They found two ticks on my son.  The ticks combined with a rash and a low grade fever worried the nurse.  She needed to check his genitals (WHAT?) to make sure no ticks crawled up there.  Harrison was absolutely hysterical when I spoke to him.  Not to worry, you stay clothed and I'll be there as soon as I can.

I left all of my thoughts of how overwhelmed I was from all that was going on and focused only on getting to my son to make sure he was o.k..  When I got there he ran to me and threw himself onto me.  Kissing and hugging me and telling me how grateful he was I came to him.  "Of course I did," I told him.

The nurse explained that he needs to go to the doctor to make sure he does not have a DISEASE and he made need to get a SHOT.  (Um, hello???????????????  I thought I spoke to everyone at the camp about my children's father having just died.  Apparently, the memo didn't get to this nurse.  Reassuring my son that NO he did NOT have a "disease" and that we don't know that he NEEDS a shot, he started to feel better.

My boy and I were having a private chat - Nurse Rachitt kept peaking her head in trying to hurry up the process of making my son feel at ease.  I told her, "We'll let you know when we're finished."  "That was awesome Mom," Harrison told me.

We discussed the dance he went to, (with a girl).  She's cute, smart, and funny.  He told me kids are saying that they're dating and he asked me how he would know if they're dating.


DAY 5


I am not going to be able to finish these thoughts - so I'm sharing them as my life is.  Crazy, changing, sad, lonely, happy, relaxed, exhausting!!!!!!!!