You will NOT believe what I found inside an envelope today....

...two women and a young boy park their car in my driveway.  They ask if my name is Alyce, and of course I say yes.  I do, for a second expect them to whip out machine guns, but they don't. 

They say something like, "We are from the group blah blah, (I didn't catch the name), but we want you to know that you are receiving this gift because you have done something wonderful in your past and this is to show your our appreciation.

Dear Alyce,                                                               1/1/12   

                                                                            
Please take this gift and use it to do good for yourself, your family and others.  It is a return for something you have done for someone inn the past.
Blessings to you all.

I open the envelope that the two nice women gave me,  Keep in mind I didn't not know these women, and I was more concerned that they were trying to convert or sell me something.  Then they handed me a completely blank envelope.  I mean NO writing, signature or stamp.  

You will NOT believe what I found inside the envelope:

17 $20.00's and 1 $10.00 bills

=

$350.00

like finding buried treasure

If the women who delivered the money hadn't driven off so quickly, I would've asked who - how?  But now I have found out, that this program is strictly anonymous.  

So, this is the dilemma.  My life, as you know it is quickly imploding.  All of my blogs are about suck this, this is shitty and that is more shitty.  It follows a very strange and winding path called my life.

So, why would people be so generous to our family.  Is it that people are generally good.  People WANT to do good things for people.  This almost shocks me.  Maybe I'm too involved in politics and I've lost my understanding and compassion for others.

We are not the perfect family, but a family of 5 we are.  We joked that when we had our baby it will be harder to find 5 seats across on a plane.  One of us would always have to ride with a stranger at an amusement park ride.  A booth of 4 would no longer be an option.  

After my husband passes, we will go back to being an ordinary family of 4 people; except 3 of the people are children and the other one of these people is a parent.  I wonder who will fight most to sit next to me.  I will be a parent that is alone without choosing to be alone.

This family also included dreams.  My husbands dream of having a home in the country on acres of land by ourselves will not be a dream that is realized.  Driving across country in an RV will be an untaken trip.  Taking me to Paris as we had planned to do in the spring is no longer an option.  

I realize the "experiences" will not come to fruition; BUT are much less important than what we have learned from the process of dying.

Most people are good.  Most people want to do the right thing.  Surround yourselves with those people as I will now surround myself with those people.   

I was told by my husband's therapists to look at the gifts you will see through this process.  I think I heard myself thinking "Fuck you, you're an idiot."  Of course within days I've learned a lesson.  It's a coincidence I just know it, I think.