Our Second Home

This is not what we had in mind when planning on buying a second home.

I want to share some feelings on the most surreal experience of my life.   My husband's death.

Today is the second to the last day of sitting shiva for my husband - and father of our 3 beautiful children.

For those who don't know what it is hear it is:

shiv·a also shiv·ah or shib·ah  (shv) n. Judaism A seven-day period of formal mourning observed after the funeral of a close relative.

Eric and I  decided a few weeks ago, when we were talking to a Funeral Director as we planned his funeral.  That's an interesting experience.

I thought to myself; this is a lot like buying a home.  What lot would you like?  What type of granite would you like?   Would you like a single or double bedroom?  And so the questions went.  You also get to talk about - the multi level casket options - the vault option - Rabbi and the Minister - limo's - flowers, etc.   I now know I need to plan this for myself.

We decide on three days of Shiva.  Nice number for the children - not too long and enough time for most people to get to our home to tell us they're sorry for us.  And I believe that they mean it and I'm grateful.

Tomorrow is the last day of Shiva.  Today The Daily Herald posted a front - two page story about our family and the love we have and the Comfort Quilt and his last moments.  Co-workers, friends, family, children have all gathered at our home over the last 24 hours.  Sometimes it's overwhelming and I can't go downstairs and I then I cry alone.  At other times I'm laughing with my lifelines.  What a strange dichotomy I am living.

I digress so back on target:  New home to purchase

I am grateful my husband was able to purchase a mission style casket.  No pomp and circumstance - but he did like the detail of the side wood accent.  We google earthed the cemetery and zoomed in on a "lot" that was directly under a tree.  "What kind of tree is that," I ask.  "I'm not sure but I can find out for you if that's important."  I suppose I wouldn't have asked if it weren't important.  Anyway, I still don't know what type of tree it is, but I know starting in the spring I'll bring a blanket for my children and me so we can sit and tell dad what's going on in our lives.  In the winter we'll just stand, shiver and chat a little.

My son thinks we should go once a month.  I think we'll go more than that.  Not that it being ten minutes away from a Costco has anything to do with how often we go.

I begged the funeral director to not make my testosterone filled man look like a transvestite at the funeral.  I went in to view the home we had purchased together, where my husband was living.  He looked so beautifully handsome, young, peaceful, and not sick.  I talked to him telling him I was sorry I couldn't do more for him.  I told him the kids and I would be o.k.  I wept.

Back to our second home.

The home we wouldn't share together, but the home he would retire in.  He always thought he'd retire and die out in the country.   In a sense he did indeed retire and he is buried under a tree that will be green in spring.  Imagine it's a cherry blossom?  NAH, I'm not lucky enough for that.

Just in case it isn't I inserted my own.

So, we sit there, under the cherry blossom tree, my now ten year old twins and my almost 2 year old girl. Oh, and I must say that my amazingly - fabulously - brave mommy is with us too.  Unfortunately I didn't mention her during Eric's funeral,   She sacrificed her entire life to live with my children, ill husband, and her daughter who's heart was breaking one day at a time.  Leaving her friends, home, and life.  She chose to be the other person that helped me care for my family.

Toward the end of my husband's life - both new friends and old helped to save our family as well.  I was holding on to one rope and my husband held my hand dangling to death.

So many thoughts I can't seem to stay focused.


We chose a new home for my husband by looking at a grainy Google Earth.  When the limousine driver opened my door and I took my seat in the front seat...closest to the big, giant hole in the ground.  "Here we go" I thought.  We really are going to live in separate homes.

The casket is lowered into the ground.  I take our children's hands,  a red rose held in our other hand.  We then laid the flowers on daddy's new home - put our hands on the oak and said something to ourselves in private.

We had chosen a beautiful home for Eric.  Our children and I will visit often.  We will sit and talk with him as if he is sitting with us.  We'll wait for what we know would be his answer and then we bring up another point.  And so the conversation between daddy and son or daddy and daughter or husband and wife goes on.

The four of us decide that's it's time to leave (I can't really count the babies opinion as she's a little young to really have the ability to make a decision like that.)  We decide that it's a tradition to go to Costco for the most amazing $1.50 lunch and some free samples.

And so the four of us start to leave.  We remember we left the roses for dad in the car.  One of our darling children run to the car to get them.  Every home feels more cheery when you've got flowers in it.

See you soon,

Your forever family