HAPPY New Year. And what if it's not?

Happy New Year is Dumb

I've always hated New Year's Eve.  I've always cried, always.  From the time I was very little.  

It might have started when I was about 9 y.o.  My mom had a wonderful babysitter, Joan, who had an evil boyfriend, Roman.  He molested me for 2 years.  I remember 1976 and how excited everyone as at the prospect of the 200 year anniversary of America.  

I remember dreading it cause I knew my parents would be out that evening and I would have a babysitter.   That's exactly what happened.

Now I'm 45 and still hating "Happy New Year", but for far different reasons.

• The year 2012 is the year my husband will die.
• The year 2012 is the year my children will start to cry when Daddy Daughter Dances or Donuts with Dads comes around.
• The year 2012 is the year I lose my parenting partner.
• The year 2012 is the year that I am afraid I will run out of brilliant analogies to help my children understand why it was their father that needed to die.
• The year 2012 is the year that I become a widow.
• The year 2012 is the year my husband will stop suffering.
• 
  

I'm still trying to find the "Happy" part.

• The year 2012 is the year that my kids will try to catch up with their 5th grade class as 4th grade was monopolized by their father's illness.
• Think Think Think that was not happy.
• My children will be with their lioness mother.  Who will protect them always.
• In the year 2012 my mother and I will start to raise my 3 beautiful children.  I am grateful to her because I am who I am because she is who she is.
• In the year 2012 I will launch Alyce IsCurious.com.  It will be an immediate success.  It will give my children hope that there is life after tragedy.
• In the year 2012 we will add 6 more Comfort Quilts to our collection.
• In the year 2012 I will continue to add loyal and beautiful friends to my core circle.

O.K. so it's not ALL shitty.  But I suspect it will be mostly shitty with a sprinkling of laughter.  Kinda of like a Pumpkin Spice Latte with a sprinkle of pumpkin on top...but the majority of the drink is just sour milk.

I hope for moments of happiness.  Moments with myself.  Just being present with the memory of my husband.  Is it being present when you need to use a memory from the past?  I say yes.  Sorry Eckhart.

I hope for peace in my children's hearts.  That there are many moments of laughter sprinkled with moments of deep and throat filled crying.

My husband is alive today, New Year's Eve 2011.  All we need to do is get through the day and wake up in 2012 for it to be Happy.  Are those your expectations for 2012 - to just wake up one more day?

So, to 2011 I say, Good Riddance....to 2012 I say, if 2011 didn't kill me neither will you.