Searching for the...

My husband died on January 21, 2012.  Up to January 12, 2012 (ironic numbers), he was recording videos for our children.  There are videos with him talking to the children about numerous things - Important things - Heartfelt things - NOthing about me however.

I've taken up watching these videos with the eye of a detective.  Did I miss a cryptic message he was trying to send to me?  Watching him read aloud a book called "The Invisible String" I wonder, was he secretly saying that he and I have a string?  Is he trying to let me know, in some secret way, what the password is to his computer,  in case I need to reboot it?

I am so desperately searching for answers to the unanswerable.  What else is there to do but SEE A PSYCHIC.  I wrote to "The Medium" chick from Long Island - I know it's crazy.  I didn't receive an answer that day so I drove 20 minutes to visit with a real live psychic.  A woman that claims she can see dead people, (I can't help but think of Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense as I write this.)  Not only do I hope she sees dead people but I hope they talk to her.

Taking off all of my jewelry and walking in with only a phone and a credit card stuffed in my bra, I challenge her to tell me the secrets I'm looking to hear.   Staring at me daring me to NOT tell her something, I sit silent.  She asks me how I am.  Fine, I tell her.  

Then she looks over my left shoulder with a tilt left of her head.  "I see someone has passed, someone small."  I think of the baby I was carrying in July of 2011.  At our 6 week pregnant visit we went to visit our babies heartbeat at the doctors office.  There wasn't one.   We were escorted out of the office via the back door.  It seems my crying was disturbing the "happy patients/parents", who saw that flicker of light that was to become their baby.  

More chatter, of what I couldn't say.  Then, a look to the right, toward the floor this time.  Another small dead thing.  Ugh!!!!  

Then it happened - a look - a smile - a nod - as if there was conversation - then...."I see someone hovering over your left shoulder.  This person is practically on top of you."  I squirm to the right feeling an invasion of my space happening.   A person with a hairdo I can only describe as a come-over is standing next to me.  The psychic assumes it's a woman.  I am sure it's my husband.  He didn't die with a combover but I'm sure he would have had I not begged him to spare me that awful, obvious look of hair despair

You are right.  Nobody notices you're balding.
NOBODY!!

"He is no longer mad at you," she says.

Life has a way of creeping in.

I don't read my writing before posting, so I'm not sure what I was actually talking about.  I might have been talking about my visit with a psychic.  Trying to reach out to my late husband to get some advise on what/how/if I should do something.

I started to receive advice from “living” friends.  Have a relationship with god, leave it up to the universe, whatever will be will be, and other ideas on how to leave your life in someone-thing else’s hands.

This advice started to, well, aggravate the shit out of me.  

Is this to assume that I have no control over my life situations?  If I think in a negative way then negative things happen to me???  What was I thinking that enabled cancer to creep into our lives and take away my children’s father?  I have an answer to this question - I WASN’T!! This whole cluster of a mess was not my fault.

My husband was a planner.  He didn’t leave much to chance.  We had 30 year food; ammunition to trade for food; weapons to ward off whomever tried to enter our home without an invite; a 1,000,000 watt battery, and things I don’t even know about.  I left the safety of our family in his hands.  His preparedness did not give him cancer.  Genetics gave him cancer.  His preparedness and forward thinking gave us the opportunity to take our lives into our own hands.

Life, is now up to me - not God - not the planet - the universe - the government - my parents - it’s just me!!

i am iCONIC!!

That's right I said it out loud.   I am an icon.  How do I know?  I feel it on the inside.  I'm taking my life back.  ME!!  Not leaving my life to fate or anything else that doesn't involve the letters M & E.