Vacation is still for 5 but....

Family Vacation Time

...one is not a Daddy it's a Bubbie (Jew for Nana)

An 8 day all inclusive vacation for my children, mother, and me.  Making the reservation was fabulous.  "So, you and your husband will be sharing the King bed."  Me, "I don't have a husband."  Took some of the joy out of making this reservation.

I knew my children would be so excited to be getting the fuck out of here.  Getting away from all the friends he is no longer allowed to play with because the "boys" parents have perfected the art of being Professional Douchebags and hurting innocent children.  PD is not an easy title to obtain from me....but I do occasionally enjoy giving out crowns for the Kind and Queen.

My son told me he waits for his daddy (who will be dead for 2 months on March 21st or, this coming Wednesday.)  Out of here we go.

Back on track I go. 

When Eric was diagnosed with cancer,  (which would kill him 11 short months later) we immediately booked a trip to Universal.  We decided "planned memories" was something that was not an option, but a must.   My "late" husband (as if he'll arrive soon) isn't a big coaster guy.  There was a ride called the Incredible Hulk at the park....a VOMIT ride....The answer to my darling daughter was NO all day from both my husband and myself.  Walking out of the park at the end of the day my daughter looked slightly sulky.  Eric, "Is going on the ride really important to you Adelaide?"  "Well, kinda but don't worry it's o.k."  Eric looked at her took her hand in his and said, "I will always do anything I can to make you happy."  They both cried knowing their love was unconditional.

Who says we be silly?

Unfortunately, Daddy couldn't keep his promise.  He isn't here to do anything to make his daughters or son smile or laugh or feel the love he had for them.

Now, all of this love for them, he had given them is up to me to give them.  People ask parents, "How can you love your children equally?"  Answer, "You're just able to."  How am I supposed to be able to fill my children's hearts with love from me and love for their father who is no longer here.  "You just do????????"  I am trying so hard to give the love of two when I am only one.

This is our first "big vacation" as a new family.  Plane ride, all-inclusive, kid camp, baby club, a cash in the 401K vacation.  Will this buy them smiles?  A few.  I took them away for a one night trip for their birthday.  The day before their birthday was fabulously fun - the day of their birthday was amazingly sad. Sad for everyone who was there.  Sad for the one that wasn't there.

I am overwhelmed with being the only parental "love giver" for my children.  My mother is the most amazing "Bubbie Love" my kids could have.  My father is wonderful "Zaddie Love" to my children.  My relatives have been coming in and out and these people are wonderful gifts to my children....but all said, none of these people are their daddy.

My son recently said to me, "I thought you said when Daddy died there would be a lot of daddy like people around me."  He was right at the time.  I couldn't have known that those father figures would die along with my husband, dead.  Who could have imagined anyone with a heart would do that?   It pains me that my children endure more pain because of.....ah fuck it.  I ain't given' anyone the joy of reposting my blog on their FB pages.  I've been told it's a lot juvenile and almost kinda funny'ish.  Any press is good press right.

Here we go on vacation.  My hands are shaking knowing that there will be crying cause Daddy isn't there.  My heart is aching because Daddy won't be there.   HAL, I will be here always giving you more than I can and holding all of you as tightly as I can so you feel all the love coming from my heart to yours.

I love you my darling children.

Mommy

We love and miss you Daddy.

Thank you to my wonderful dad who will stay at my home for the entire time we're away.  Don't wanna come home to nothing ya know.