To my dear friend,

Dear, D.O.M,

...I'm sure you will never read this my long time friend, but my heart bleeds tears for yours tonight.  By now it has sunk in that your beloved is gone.  Just like that...no warning...no fanfare...just dead.  I am unsure of the specifics of what happened but the end is the same.  A young, beautiful widow, with three devastated babies in big kids bodies.

I am a little more than three months ahead of her in time.  No wonderful words of wisdom to help ease your pain,  other than it does change.  As a matter of fact it changes daily.  Sometimes you're being swallowed in a tsunami while other times you're just lying on the beach in the sun.  Nothing makes any sense.   Don't try to make sense of anything.  Just worry about you and your beautiful family.  Whatever it is that is right to do or say for you in that moment say it.

I saw this on someone's FB wall today and I immediately thought of, well, myself.  Shortly after I thought of you.  I wish I had this list when Eric died, but I didn't.  I was so busy trying to "act" correctly that sometimes I lost sight of me.  And going further I forgot what it was like to be capable.

I still can't/won't change a lightbulb, but I've done shit I never thought I'd ever have to.  I never imagined being both a husband and wife - a mother and father - a therapist and life coach - a sole provider - and and only decision maker.

The list goes on but it's exhausting.

It's simple, Stupid!

Ask for time by yourself when you want it.  Go out when you want to and stay home and tell everyone to get out when you need to.  Be really pissed off as many times as you want to.   Try not to scream so the kids here but scream til you have no voice left.  Ask why and expect no answer that is either relevant or reasonable.

Since January 21, 2012,  I've never felt more judged about each decision I've made.  How I act or don't - what or say or how I say it or even if I've said it  <whatever it is>.  When is the appropriate time to date or never date.  How old is this date?  Should this date have children, been married, only want a "good time".  Whether or not I should go on any of these dates with any of these "degenerates" anytime soon...and when is that "good time to do so."

I've never heard more opinions than when I've watched a Presidential Candidate give a speech and the commentary after it.  Listen to these million opinions - consider the ones that make sense and throw out the ones you think aren't right for you.

I wanted to write I can't imagine how you're feeling, forgetting that I know just about exactly how you feel.  Whether your life in your home was perfectly perfect or imperfectly imperfect it is your home.  Keep it your home.   Don't let others distract you from being true to what your home was and still could be.

Accept all the love and heartfelt emotions and try to be present during those times.  When you feel yourself hugging someone you genuinely love, just hug a little longer and say I'm so _____________________.  Whatever it is your so is.

I am an ear for you to talk to when most won't understand.  I'm a heart that's broken like yours.  I am also a woman who knows.

With love to you my long life friend,

Alyce Levy