11 years

...the place we decided to tie the knot 3/31/2001

Yesterday was our 11 year wedding anniversary.  I tried to remember how we spent the other 10.  In March 2011 we were in Florida - executing on a decision to make planned memories.  We decided to do these "planned memories" after Eric's diagnosis of Kidney Cancer.  This year we went to Florida again - but Eric wasn't there because he died in January 2012.

Deciding to go to Club Med in Florida was a decision made on the spur of the moment.  The children and I had no plans to do anything at all.  How can I keep them home, we need to go somewhere to have fun.  A family vacation it is.  Why not?  After all, we are a family, no?

"I wish Daddy was here."  The theme of the vaction.  Everyone (well not everyone), but everyone was there with a mom and a dad.  Everyone except my three children.   Dads throwing their kids over their heads into the water.  Unfortunately, I am neither tall enough or strong enough to do that.  Dads taking their kids fishing.  Again, not in my skillset.  Dads dancing with their daughters.  We danced - Adelaide cried.

There was a glimmer of light.  My son who is "Gifted in Spirit" <yes it's actually a "thing> opened his heart to a little boy.  The boy was barely 2 y.o., and they formed a beautiful bond.  Again, my son asked people we just met, "Can I get you anything?"  He didn't love circus school as he thought people were in pain doing their tricks and that bothered him.  Sharing his heart is something I haven't seen since January 21, 2012 - the day that cancer killed his father.

Our daughter sleeps with a shirt of her dads.  Thinking the maid service accidentally took it was traumatic to say the least.  It was eventually found and put in a very safe place for the next nights slumber.

We did meet a family without their dad being there.  One mom and 4 kids.  Eventually I found out that her husband had left them without a car the day after Christmas last year.  When this mom told her daughter, who is 11, that Adelaide and Harrison's father died this was her response.  "Well, at least he didn't just choose to leave them."  I reiterated this story to my children.  Explaining that daddy didn't choose to leave.  They answered with, "I know that, but that doesn't help bring daddy back."  I had no answer.

No Couples Massage 3/31/2012

Our 11 year anniversary was spent with me getting a massage and a hair treatment.  A little pampering would help I thought.  The room was dimly lit, the smell of lavendar filled the air <my favorite>, I was completely undressed lying on my back underneath the warm sheet, and the massage began.  Tears started to roll down my eyes.  Perhaps it was the release of tension that had built up, or that I hadn't had a decent nights' sleep in 8 days.  No, I think that's selling my marriage short.  It was the memory - flooding back - that on this day 11 years ago - I said "I do" to a man I thought would be with me for our always.  I didn't realize "til death do us part" wasn't just lip service, it was a possibility.


We walked back into our home at midnight leaving behind 3/31/12 forever.  The first of many wedding anniversaries with Eric that I will spend without him.  Walking in I physically felt a little faint, light headed and disoriented to be back to the real world.

I am hoping next March we will spend the month <including our twins birthday and our anniversary> not with tears of sadness but with smiles of remembrance.

With love,

Alyce