Want it such a fascinating word.

Want is such an interesting word:

want

   [wont, wawnt]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel a need or a desire for; wish for: to want one's dinner;always wanting something new.''

Always wanting for something new.  My son is gifted in spirit.  Really, gifted in spirit.  Not math, reading, singing - but spirit.  He feels the emotions and empathizes like most adults should but don't do.  Bath to my son.

My son told me yesterday that it is impossible not to want.  Even if you want not to want you still WANT!!  Crazy theory, but true.

For years I wanted to hurt myself.  After having been abused before the age of ten - I spent the next 25 years doing things to purposely abuse myself.  That's an abusers dream.  Even after the physical abuse stop the emotional abuse continues and continues.

There's usually an order in which people that believe they are not worthy follow.  This was part of my journey to destruction.

•  Poor Grades.
• Missing Curfew.
• Not coming home one night.
• Getting drunk and driving real fast in your friends Camaro.
• Dating boys that were mean.
• Dating boys that did drugs.
• Watch my friends graduate while I sit in the bleachers.  I think there was another kid in the class that graduated late.
• Real work - real money.
• Dating boys that dealt drugs.
• Car accident leaving me with 500 stitches in my face.  
• Ducking in cars in the Bronx while said boyfriend was running from the tenement building.
• Drugs, dancing, drugs, othello, dying, drugs, drugs.

I'll end this list when I was 22 years old.  It's too exhausting.

Looking at the things I accomplished, I guess I was getting everything I wanted at that time.

Let's move to today.  Well, not today but the last decade.  It started with me getting not everything I "wanted" from my marriage but some things.  As time went on - my "wants" changed and I got most things.  We were living a nice (I'm not sure if we are middle or upper class) life.  On our 11th Christmas I got the purse I had been waiting for for ten of those eleven years.  I could have bought it for myself at will, but it was so special that I needed to wait until I was ready.  That sounds nuts.

When Eric and I met I thought he made A LOT more money than he did.  As a matter of fat, I didn't know his income until we were married.   I wasn't really impressed.  Hard work, the need to care for his family, determination, helped make him the success he was at his chosen profession.  Not changes companies for more than 20 years.  An amazing achievement that should be envied.

It actually came pretty easily for us.  I told him he could do anything he wanted and there was nothing he couldn't do.  Guess, what?  He believed me.  Amazing.  I did work 4 out of the ten years we were married.  Selling new construction in the late 90's (embarrassingly easy) and then selling new construction again in 2006 (embarrassingly harder).  I did very well.  I was able to contribute to my family financially.  With that, I wasn't able to eat dinner with my family, my husband took care of feeding the children.  Working weekends was mandatory.  A sacrifice we decided was important to make for the family.

We were actually four at the time but I'm putting the baby in here anyway.

Where am I going with this?  Well, as of recent I've been called a spoiled brat and other names.  I'm not hurt by it, but it got me thinking about the word "want".  Eric and I did want for certain things.  Example, Eric had wanted a hot tub since before we bought our home.  He was the only man I knew who loved to bathe.  It wasn't until he became critically ill that we decided he deserved to have one of his leisures.  Money well spent, even though he used it less than 20 times before his cancer prevented him from using it.  Seems piggish, maybe.

We "wanted" not for a lot.  It's not really because we had it, we just decided we didn't need it enough.  The boat was something Eric didn't get.  It just didn't make sense no matter how many times we discussed it.  We did want and did get when we could, great food.

I called every month or so to try to get my cable and cell phone amount lowered.  I paid my utilities about 5 months in advance just in case we needed that money for an emergency.  We would be o.k. for at least 5 months if anything were to happen.  P.S. It has happened.

What am I trying to say?  I deserve the "things" I've wanted and have received.  With all of the things I received that I "wanted" and received I still "want" more.  So my son was right, we never stop "wanting".

Now I "want" everyone to know that I'm going to do everything I can do to live more and "want" for less.

I "Want" to thank my husband, and I guess, myself for coming from nothin' to somethin'.  I do believe that Eric wouldn't have gotten to where he is without me, and I wouldn't have become the person I am today.  A person to be proud of.

I love and miss you Eric.  As I promised I will raise our children with happiness, honesty and integrity.  the three wishes you wanted for them.

Love you boss,

Alyce