Not sure when I wrote this....

...but I know it wasn't today.  That doesn't help as I'm still not sure when I wrote this note.  Was it before or after Eric died?  

The picture is right below is of my kids and me on Mother's day 2011 - (3 months after Stage IV Kidney Cancer - aka death sentence).  

I hope Eric saw this letter I wrote to him.  This is really bothering me not to know if he saw this.  I'm not sure if I even put this on my blog.  I'm not sure of most things.  I am sure that I loved you Eric.  At the end of the day it was always "us" (well when we weren't a YOU)!

People that came into our lives at the end of yours believe in their hearts that they knew you better than I.  It kind of makes me giggle thinking that they believed that.  

That leads me to another thing.  The way people throw around the word "Love".  Oh, love you.  I love you.  Love ya.  I so love you.  love love love love lover.  Puhlease.  I've never had more I love you's from women in my entire life.  Where I'm from you say I love you's for your family and your husband, and occasionally a LONG time friend who has been there threw the OMG NO, OMG YES, OMG YOU DID NOT, OMG I LOVE YOU FOR FLYING IN TO BE WITH ME WHEN MY HUSBAND LEFT ME FOR GOOD.  

Oh wait, I just remembered one more thing; actually two.  They are the over used and meaningless:  xoxo and <3 (heart).  I can't tell you how many times I have cyber hugged, kissed and gave people my whole heart.  That is not normal behavior.  

Love is when a person without asking says - "all right c'mon I'm tired get your foot over here."  The lotion comes out and my feet were rubbed every night.  I mean every night.  I felt safest when my husband was holding onto my leg that was laid over him.  (We did this every night.)  In 2008 Eric promised that no matter what - "I will keep you safe and take care of you always."  That redefined who we were as people who "loved each other".  Like in real life love.

Integrity.  The one word that EVERYONE who ever met you would agree that the word integrity sums up who you are.  Everybody takes pens and paperclips from their office for home use.  I shouldn't say everyone as Eric never did.  Never took anything that wasn't his - worked hard and always believed what he was doing was the right thing.  Unfortunately in todays world doing the right thing could be wrong for you.  That didn't matter to Eric he did it anyway.

I love you, mwah mwah.  I can't remember do you have a brother or a sister.  Best friends have become like your worst nightmare.  "I know we've only met 10 weeks ago, but I know this is it.  I love you and you love me, let's elope."  Kind of the way friendships are working today.  We meet, have things in common like kids, and we both like me (LOL) and our husband's kinda liked each other.  So there ya have it.  BFF'S.  That's Best Friends Forever.  Adults really say that out loud.  We've been BFF's for about four years now.  I think, (if you're gonna sound like we're married then buy me a damn ring bitch.)

A little tangent.  Without re-reading what I wrote, (which I never do before I publish these rantings.), I have forgotten what I was talking bout.

Let's change gears now.  My husband likes change as much as young boys like to go to overnight church outings.  The thought of being "close" with our friends wasn't really an option.  He always analyzed them.  Told me why they were as lazy as they were - or as broke as they were - or as lonely, etc. etc.  It pains me to say, that you were right about everyone you told me about.  If you weren't dead I know I would here about how you nailed it at least weekly for the rest of our lives. It's amazing, a gift really  We should have figured out a way to sell your ability to size people up in about 90 seconds.  Uncanny.  

I remember first moving to this god forsaken area.  It was just us.  Didn't have many or need many.  We could talk for hours and hours.  Politics (always heated and always blamed everything on Clinton.)  News.  OMG, Eric new every country and every area within that country.  Especially the Middle East.  Smarter than most that I know.  Certainly smarter and more informed than any man I've met up here.  Well, I'm referring to the married ones I know.

Not as much money as I thought when I finally found out what your salary was AND we were already married.  Damnit!  After ten years of working hard you had success more than we had planned for.  Eric was a hard worker.  He HAD to provide for his family and always did.  

Other than me working for about four years out of our 10 ten marriage (mind you I made big money but that's not important) Eric always made it home for dinner by 6:00pm.  

O.K. this is turning into a non-authorized biography.  What I'm really saying is that we were always alone, didn't need anybody else.  Then we got some friends.  Turned out they weren't friends at all.  And all of the, "I love you's" were indeed overused.  Not by me as much.  Always makes me uncomfortable to say "I love you" to people I barely know, and definitely don't love.  But, I did it.  It was pressure for sure.  But I succumbed and said "I love you" back or do the xoxo thing so often.  If all the hugs and kisses were real, I really believe it would be a porn.

I really could count on you, Eric.  We didn't always get along, and sometimes it was hard...but when it wasn't it was nice.  Not having to talk but having plenty to talk about.   I didn't want to divorce you like one of our friends.  Her situation just sucks - she's stuck.  Money ya know.

Then there are our other friends who, like the rest of America, are one small step from losing everything.  You would never let that happen to us.  Not ever.   I learned this from you, and it will now never happen to me.  I almost bought the new flooring we discussed.  But then I reconsidered whether we really needed it.  Thinking the answer is probably no, I'm "thinking" about it and that's what's important.

Anyway, my darling....oh and our relationship was questioned today.   I questioned it sometimes too, but I always answered overwhelmingly we are worth it.

So, here's the letter that I'm not sure you've gotten but I bet, if things are true, you'll be able to read it with everyone else.

This is the  “us” you helped create.  Without you, this picture could not have been.

Thinking back over the last decade there have been many ebbs and flows - stops and starts - fights and makeups.  What has been consistent is our dedication to our family.

Since we met back in June of 2000, I knew we’d always be together.  Sure there were times when I doubted that.  When I wondered whether it was “right”.  Whether our differences were too great or whether we balanced each other.

US as Dad took the picture.

In 2008 we decided that our differences were petty compared to the family we had created.  And so anew began.  Another darling child was added to our family of four.  I am so grateful for the gift that you gave me in Lorelei.

I am grateful that you have managed to make Harrison a man at the age of 9.  He has the confidence of a person four times his age, and that is your doing.

I am grateful that you are the Daddy our daughter has danced with.  The daddy that can rub her tears away with the tender stroke of your hard.  I believe that Adelaide will want to love a man as much as she loves her Daddy.

One of my favorite phrases is, “I’ll defer to you.”  It’s amazing because the phrase is used by the both of us.  To me it means I respect your knowledge of this and whatever you decide I trust you.  That’s hard to find.

You are the person who really does like to sit out back and just be.  That’s me.  Never watches sports such a wonderful trait in a man.  Loves to shop

You are the guy that asks for more bread to dip into the red sauce the mussels came in.  “Hey, I’m not done with that.”  My favorite saying that we share.  Our love of food...well...yum.  Not everybody has that love of the taste like we do.  Bottles of wine later at Trattoria.  Our restaurant of choice - or Naninwa ... delicious sushi delicious sake, just plain deliciousness.

How did our nicknames for each become “boss”?  And what the hell does that really mean, boss?  Neither one of had the upper upper hand.  I guess it was you unless it was something I really wanted, and then it was me.  The kids also thought it was me.  So, I guess I’ll take the title.

Our nicknames might have been easier to mesh than our talking styles. You, loud and abrasive and me quiet and meek.  Hey, that sounds wrong.  The funny thing about it was at the end it was harder to get past the style issue than the issue itself.  Kind of a waste of time I think.  It all doesn’t matter until time matter.  And now that time matters, that was dumb.

Was it perfect no, but it sure produced beautiful and magical memories.  This last year has been full of both planned and unplanned memories.  I remember and cherish all of those times.

Regardless of what different faiths would like you to believe-one thing is universal.  The people you’ve known and love are permanently in your heart.  Whether you can reach them through a sign or they can see you from above....they are permanently a memory away.  Our gorgeous son would say, he had a filing cabinet of memories in his head and he would take them out and fill his heart with them.

I am going on the advice that Harrison hasn’t given to me yet, but I know he will.  I have a big file of our memories.  Our meeting, our dating, proposal, wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy, home buying, hard times, sweet babies, more money, bigger home, another baby, beautiful and smart tween’s, dogs that you love dearly, and me.

What a beautiful life you have led....and til your last breath you continued to live.

I love you my darling husband.

You will be with me in my heart in a big file cabinet marked “love”.  I will not put a complicated combination on the lock as I will be using it often and want to be able to get to it at will.  

With all of my love and gratefulness,

Alyce