...acting like the captain of the ship

...but I'm just

I'm the cook!!

So this is the deal.  This video isn't fun, funny or fabulous but it is amazingly loooooong.  I haven't written a blog in a while because I've been so busy trying to figure "it" out.  

In case you don't know I've picked up my family (3 kids and my mother) and moved us to another state.  I did this BEFORE the one year mark I was supposed to wait after the death of my husband.  It was 6 days shy of his being dead for 7 months.  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks." - 

"I'm fine, really." - "This absolutely sucks."  

Reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

I know my therapist would tell me that my feelings are justified, relevant, and genuine.  I'll stick with my famously childish saying of "it's just dumb."  Not brilliant, by fitting.

Sure, I'll get 1000 emails telling me to "stop feeling sorry" for myself.  Really, I'm not.  It always goes back to my children.  They've been so short changed.  I'm a good mother, I know that I am.  Am I good enough to be a mother AND a father?  

My mother says whether you're faking it or not if you're doing it, well, you're doing it.  It feels like lying kind of.  I'm familiar with this feeling as I spent my teens to early twenties perfecting the art of lying.  Lying takes WORK.  You've got to constantly remember what it was you said to be consistent.  That's what living a life that's unexpected feels like.  I have to constantly think about what it is I should be doing.  Being the captain of a ship means you train (or whatever it is you do to drive a ship).  I've got no training and the Captain of my ship has died unexpectedly.  That leaves ME to drive this barge.

Ugh, what a long driveling note this is.  Perhaps after the skies stop opening up around me and the sun comes out this will pass - Boy, I hope so.

Of course I'm in a Hurricane....

HURRICANE ISAAC

Sure my eyes are closed...

but yours would be too!

Whose practical joke is this?

...what is it all about?

Some would say this is my mantra.

I'm not a person that "asks" for things or favors.  Friends of mine do wonderfully generous things for me.  They offer.  "Do you need a ride?"  "Can I bring you coffee?"  Etc...

Let me say that I know this happens.  I'm not a blithering idiot that doesn't see people at their most generous.  I always ask, "Why the hell would anybody do anything for me?"  Yet, I have still not found the answer to that question.  

I am really very thankful, I am just have trouble wrapping my head around it.

Recently (like within the last 6 months) I've been called an ingrate, elitist, non-understanding bitch.  This came from people who gave me the most generous gift, their time.  I never asked, they just did it.

People tell me often that I believe "It's All About Alyce."  Alyce, that's me.  How can people say it's all about Alyce when Alyce...

• doesn't ask for anything?   
• has never broken someone's heart. 
• shares with friends and family more than I can sometimes.
• listens with a concerned ear.
• takes shit when she knows she should be throwin' it.

I know...

...duh

I've been in therapy for more then 3, that's right three decades.  I've talked, debated, cried, laughed and realized that it's a never ending process.  That's the beauty of being a mental patient doctor - you never graduate from going.  Seeing a therapist is a lifelong commitment.  The only reason to break up with this doctor is because you're moving - NOT because you've figured it out.

My husbands death solidified (as if I didn't know), it's not about me alone.  It's about my children and me, or my friends and me, or my family and me, or the man who walks by my side and me.  

I gotta say the common thread in all these relationships is I'm there.  So, perhaps it is all about me.  

• My choice to dis-continue relationships that are, well, not great...
• My choice to live out of my comfort zone          ;-)
• My choice to cultivate relationships
• My choice to return favors the best way I know how




Kinda

My choice to continue with relationship that are, well, great...

It's all about me - my loves - my heart

Recently I asked for something - I didn't get it <I didn't think I would> but I still asked.  It did take upwards of 3 hours for me for me say it.   But I said it.  

I'm not sure what I thought would happen if I asked.  I know what I thought - I thought I'd be rejected.  I hate that.  Rejected (or so I thought) is what happened.  But, I didn't die - I didn't throw up - I might have eaten more at dinner than usual - but other than that I was fine.  

I originally said I was an idiot for asking someone to do something for me, as it didn't work like I hoped it might.  

What the hell, it didn't really hurt to ask.